PRACTICALLY NONSENSE: For fur, filth, and fun. Your one stop shop!
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PRACTICALLY NONSENSE.
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<$BlogItemTitle$> I realize that I haven't posted in forever, not that it matters. But I can't help it when something huge comes up, like school. Either way, a friend's poor decision in music has led me to this post... oh and while I have your attention go see www.projectsp.blogspot.com, leave a comment or something to help me with that site... But enough of salad and soup, let's get some steak on your plate... Music is an art... that is why I can't stand when people slaughter it (note the "Awesomely Bad" series). People like Yanni, Kenny G, and John Tesh have no business in music... In fact, here is my recent thoughts on how those three. A little background info: this stems from looking in a "friend's" profile to see that he/she/it is going to a Yanni concert. I will protect this person by calling he/she/it "IDIOT" instead of using said person's name. This is to protect the identity of this person, whose safety would be rightly in jeopardy, due to love of Yanni. I will be listed as "ME." The colors are for clarity's sake and b/c IDIOT is a dallas cowboy fan and I am a Washington Redskin Fan. Note the capitalization. Now on to the rant: ME (12:12:39 PM): Yani... lol... it will be brought!!! Auto response from IDIOT (12:12:39 PM): All you Cowboy haters can shut it!J.J. is da man! off to sing in the rain ME(12:17:28 PM): Look IDIOT I don't have to start on Yanni... all I have to say is http://launch.yahoo.com/artist/artistFocus.asp?artistID=1029713 ME (12:21:16 PM): but in case you don't want to read it. It starts out like so: ME (12:21:18 PM): Like fellow new-age crossover instrumentalists John Tesh and Kenny G, Grecian keyboard wizard Yanni has sold millions of albums. But as is the case with John and Kenny, no one will actually admit to buying one of those albums. See, it's simply not cool to like Yanni's grandiose, baroque balladry--not even in a kitschy sort of way ME (12:21:27 PM): that is an exact quote ME (12:21:56 PM): in fact, anything that is successfully compared to Kenny G deserves to die a most horrible death. ME (12:22:57 PM): Look at his pic, he looks like a pedophile/murderer/tax evader. ME (12:27:13 PM): Now compare him to Kenny G, who is rightly considered the Antichrist by most old school jazz fans. He also looks like a pedophile/murderer/tax evader. ME (12:34:12 PM): Oh and John Tesh, looks like he words at H&R block... he's that guy who spends all of his downtime looking at Vietnamese kiddy amputee porn and staring down little Katie, who happens to be in his daughter's girl scout troop. http://launch.yahoo.com/artist/default.asp?artistID=1026762 Auto response from IDIOT (12:34:12 PM): All you Cowboy haters can shut it!J.J. is da man! off to sing in the rain ME (12:37:22 PM): Niether of these three persons have any right to be in music... Yanni the Greek Swimmer, Kenny G the accountant, nor John Tesh the communications major and host of ET. ME (12:38:25 PM): Here is a good quote about Tesh to sum it all up: John Tesh may seem to be one of the most hated musicians in America (perhaps second only to Kenny G and Yanni) ME (12:43:42 PM): Anybody who supports these men should be considered audioterrorists and should be maimed, sterilized by the most painful process available, and deprogrammed. If all of this fails, they should be decapitated, and their heads should be paraded around the White House. ME (12:46:11 PM): *editors note: "John Tesh looks like he works..." ME (12:46:34 PM): If you want more, just let me know, but for now I have to get back to studying... ME (12:54:17 PM): oh and did you know that YANI (one N) stands for "Youth Attracted Network International" which is actually an international pedophile network... as of today it is 3rd on Yahoo!'s search if you look up "Yani." Really weird that it would be pronounced the same way. I'd bet the farm that Yanni is a due paying member of YANI, if not the president. I bet you can crosslist Yanni's fans with the members of YANI and you'll get at least 25 common names. Also, the only reason any of these three artists have sold as many albums as they have is because people who buy the filth are SOOOOO ashamed that they keep throwing it away/ hiding it from their significants so that they can't find them that they have to buy new ones. I bet you walk into a store with a trenchcoat and sunglasses on to buy your Yanni cd's. It is probably handed to you in a plain brown paper bag. HAHAHA Auto response from IDIOT (12:54:17 PM): All you Cowboy haters can shut it!J.J. is da man! off to sing in the rain ME (12:54:24 PM): like porn, or sex toys ME (12:55:22 PM): YOINK!!! ME (12:59:27 PM): oh and for reference here is a pic of Kenny G for you http://launch.yahoo.com/artist/default.asp?artistID=1014161 David at 1:15 PM Smash Battle A friend, Drew, and I had a Smash battle... all talk over aim... some of it is cut off. It starts off talking about how Dragon Day is for Bowser: Bunny: good thing i had class and missed it Bunny: heard it was pretty bad Bunny: fitting for bowser day Zeus: i didn't go Zeus: hatred? Zeus: lol Bunny: truth Bunny: ? Bunny: anyway Bunny: being having a bit of a marth renaissance as of late Zeus: you do love your rice Zeus: and your faries Zeus: so i guess it all fits Bunny: its true Bunny: my marth game has gotten better Zeus: ok Zeus: >:o NO FEAR!!! Bunny: well im bout to wear the lv 9s out Zeus: enjoy Zeus: >:o YOINK!!!!!!!! Bunny: dave im ready when you are Zeus: lol... i have 2 papers and a prob. set due tom. I REALLY wish i could school you today Bunny: well i leave sunday Bunny: but saturday i serve you Bunny: afternoon to evening Zeus: i leave tomorrow Bunny: ish Bunny: well then you wont have the pleasure Bunny: of marth's white hot love club Zeus: ha!!! Bunny: all over you Zeus: Zeus got the rice fairy crying "you're playing too rough" hit a quick upsmash all you hear is JIGGLYPUUUUUUUFFFFFF Bunny: good thing puff's just a bag of fluff, wait till you see marth, then wwe'll see whos tough Zeus: Shockwaves flashing spasm through your spine, +12 margine of victory blowin' your mind Bunny: prancing around in black, white, and blue, he's coming for you, detective pikachu Zeus: for hatred i recommend the chair, hit the upsmash then juggle you in the air Bunny: upsmash, upsmash, is all i see, i wonder why that could be? you got no diversity, you got no flare. youre just full of luke warm air. Zeus: yoink is a staple, just like ching, just reminding you of all the pain it brings Zeus: you want some more, you doubt the skill, i'll shut your mouth with an electric drill Bunny: havent seen that since smash one, i thought something might have been wrong with your little right thumb Bunny: electric drill bring DREW no thrill, all he wants is that pika kill Zeus: bringin the pain, letting the lightening rain, like a tornado i ravage, son this ain't just a game Zeus: crowd sayin his name, you prayin but it is in vain Bunny: praying is for mortals on the land of sod, i have no need for such things, i am a god Zeus: god though you be, pain you'll still feel, one down smash and you'll need Advil Zeus: cause i get the kill Zeus: and i get the crowd Zeus: here that name "PIKACHU" Zeus: yeah they cheering it loud Bunny: despite the scoreboard's reprimand of the crowd Bunny: a good smash, by a good player, but one smash cannot stop the slayer Zeus: what the scoreboard says now, will quickly change have you forgot about yoinks range Zeus: about the pain Zeus: about the tear Zeus: s Zeus: about that which causes mortal fears Bunny: he comes for you post-haste, with a desire devoid of waste, with only one goal: Bunny: pikachu paste Zeus: never happen, Pika be forever smackin. Zeus: make your cheeks all rosey like ness, mess with Pika you mess with the best Bunny: yellow yogurt, goes down smooth, what's that you say? can't seem to move? Zeus: die like the rest on the altar of zeus, want to reach the stars i'll give you a boost Bunny: stuck in the trance of my divine moves, dont look now but youre about to lose Bunny: but one more thing, son, i am olympus and this war is done Zeus: 3 2 1 oops there is a timely k.o. into overtime we're bout to go... oh no, he flows like a river so quick it makes you quiver, Bunny: peace Zeus: cya Bunny: i like the boost Bunny: lol Bunny: made me laugh real loud Bunny: wanna reach the stars Bunny: nice nice Zeus: you are still quick Bunny: youre quicker and black Bunny: im the opposite of eminem Zeus: true but you hung Bunny: thanks dave, i tried Zeus: you suck-ceded Zeus: j/k Bunny: lol Zeus: you did well Bunny: anyway, post-break smashing should be in order after this convo Bunny: let the puff know Zeus: yea, def. Bunny: the creampuff Zeus: i will Bunny: later homes Zeus: l8ter Bunny signed off at 12:11:43 AM. David at 12:19 AM The F@#$ You! List (V. 2) Pamphlets: I have reached a total of 17. On Washington, D.C.: Famous natives and residents (just in the city, not in the surrounding area)= Edward Albee, playwright; Billie Burke, comedienne; Ina Claire, actress; John Foster Dulles, statesman; Duke Ellington, musician; Jane Greer, actress; Goldie Hawn, actress; Helen Hayes, actress; J. Edgar Hoover, former director of the F.B.I.; William Hurt, actor; Noor al-Hussein, queen of Jordan; Michael Learned, actress; Roger Mudd, newscaster; Eleanor Holmes Norton, government official; Chita Rivera, dancer and actress; Leonard Rose, cellist; John Philip Sousa, composer; Frances Sternhagen, actress. Dave Chapelle, comedian and actor Martin Lawrence, comedian and actor Visit this site The Dihydrogen Monoxide Fact Page look at the "FAQ" and tell me what should be done about this. Let me assure you that all of these facts are verified, and I have even done my own personal research on this stuff to verify it. If you know what it is already DO NOT SPOIL IT FOR THE REST. Now, back by overwhelming popular demand from all regular readers (i.e. Carlos), is the F@#$ you list. Sorry, this will probably be short. I have a lot of work to do and because of some personal strain, I am falling behind. So let's get to it: 10. F@#$ you Mac users. I know that I'm about to isolate a few of you, but I don't give a rat's @$$. I don't care if I isolate all five Mac users in the US. What is the purpose in using a Mac? Sure, the system is more stable. Point for Macs. Sure there are less viruses (that is because there are so few users). That makes 2 points. Anything else? Huh. I'm listening... oh wait, nothing. No games worth playing? Sorry for you! How 'bout a quick game of Counter-Strike? Wolfenstein? Pacman? Nothing. Oh well. Enjoy watching me play them. -1 point for Macs. Using a Mac isolates you from 98% of the Computing world. -1 point for Macs. Hmm. Wait, Wait... Mac is a cool name... +1 so you are back at +1... Fruity pastel colors, one button mouse, stupid web browsing system -1,-1,-1. How about those stupid, trendy Mac stores? -23. That leaves you with a score of -25. Just as a reference point, Monkey pox has a score of -21, SARS -27, Super Bubonic Hyper AIDS -30, and Paris Hilton -500. 11. F@#$ you dumb@$$ spammers. I hate you motherf@#$ers. Get your penis enlarged... No thanks I'm more than endowed in that department. I'm big-boned. I have a redwood in my pants. I am King Dingaling, mighty Wang ruler, I slang that thang. I have to unravel my shit, like a fire hose. It takes twelve days for me to urinate. I am the standard for the meter. Understand? Hi, my name is Sarah, I had a crush on you in high school... I don't think so. I went to an single-sex school. Anyone named Sarah in my high school was a teacher or a faculty member. No thanks. Just not interested. Get your cheap medication... Bitch all the medication I need is weed! That and good ol' Tussin' (thanks Chris Rock). There has to be a way to kill Spammers, and their bipedal cousins pamphleteers, and be exempt from any punishment. 12. F@#$ Viagra, Levitra, etc. If I have a problem getting it up, that means "bitch you're ugly!" Have you ever thought that maybe it isn't a good think for old people to have sex? Think about it. Heart attacks, strokes, high blood pressure, etc. But what can be worse than walking in on your grandparents making hot, passionate, ancient love. Their wrinkled skin moving like flags in a summer breeze. The pungent smell of fossilized semen mixing with the odor of impending death. The groans and moans of the elderly OUTSIDE of the Nursing Home. Too vivid? Well, that is what you get. 13. F@#$ you dumb@$$es who piss in the shower. Either use it before or after. If it is an emergency, I'd rather see your naked dumb ass, streak 1 foot to the stall than to see your urine flowing into the drain, and to smell that hot ammonia in hot water. I wish that I were the emperor of the world. That crime (along with pissing in the pool) would result in immediate loss of genetalia. 14. F@#$ you professors who think that you know everything. In fact F@#$ anybody who thinks that. I tell you what young upper-middle cass Ivy educated white guy from New England, driving your Benz and getting a 4.5 gpa. You think you are pretty smart. Go to SE D.C. or Harlem. Survive there bitch. Your biggest problem is that yesterday you spilled your cappuchino on your Docker's khakis and couldn't find your monographed hankerchief in time to clean it up. Hell don't even go to the ghetto. Go to a "developing" country (developing= poor @$$, disease ridden, war torn, hellhole). Go to Iran wearing an American T-Shirt. So shut your mouth. I wish AIDS on you. 15. F@#$ you jackasses who claim to be atheist, but pray when you are in distress or say God damn or Jesus Christ when you are angry. Shut the F@#$ up. I hope that fire and brimstone rain down on you. I hope that there is plenty of teeth gnashing in your future. I hope that you get stuck in a cell with Martha Stewart. 16. F@#$ you Microsoft. That's right you Billy Gates. Fix your damn software, I'm sick of having to worry about bugs, worms, and viruses. My comp is like a damn bio lab. I guess if you fixed them all then you wouldn't be able to make anymore money off of the "new" products. But you would kill Macs for good, and isn't that all we need? Your product is on over 85% of the computers in the US. Isn't that enough? Because of you Microsoft, a nerd (used for lack of a better term) has become one of the most powerful people in the world and a household name. There are cults that worship you Billy. Do us all a favor and fix those bugs. 17. F@#$ you Cornell Dining. I hate you from two perspectives. First I hate you as a consumer of your disgusting, subpar, sickening, horrid, abysmal, Satanic food. If you can call it that. How is it that from the truck ride from the plantations to the dining hall (AT MOST 10 minutes) all of the fresh vegetables turn to shit? How is it that the "meat" tastes watered down? Why is it that the amount of homeless people and animals in the Ithaca area keeps decreasing, but the amount of meat keeps increasing? I hate you from a working perspective too. But that is unnecessary to reveal. You suck from all angles. 18. F@#$ you European Union. Just try to impose trade sanctions and tariffs on the U.S.A. With this president, France is one number away from becoming the world's largest pothole. We are on an invasion spree. Oh please, please F@#$ with us. We could use the extra resources that we will take from you. Better yet, we will just let Germany do it. After all, if it wasn't for us, it would've happened twice. That's it for today in terms of the F@#$ You! List. I hope it was ok for you. Practically Nonsense: Polls show that 30% of our viewers believe we're better than prison sex!! David at 12:01 PM The F@#$ You! List Ok, ladies and gentlemen, and roughmen too. Today is the first installment of the F@#$ You! List. Your comments are quite welcome in this one. If you have something to add to the F@#$ You! List, please feel free to do so. Leave it in the comments page. I'll update this list about 1/week hopefully. If you would prefer, you could substitute "forget" or "freak" or "screw" for F@#$ and I will quote you in such a manner that the reader would know that you didn't mean F@#$. So without further ado... 1. F@#$ you pamphleteers. I'm already up to 10 and it isn't even the end of winter. I don't want to vote for you. I don't care about your cause. Just leave me the F@#$ alone. I swear if I recieve another one of those F@#$ing pamphlets, I'm going to give you an enima with the business end of a rusty hammer and use a broken bottle as a "Q-tip." I hope I get a papercut. Any F@#$ing reason just to punch one of them. I'll be lauded from here to Mozambique. I'd be given the new Nobel Prize for Anti-Annoyance. So please, just please hand me another one of those F@#$ing things so that I can have justifiable reason to burn, rape, and pillage your town. 2. F@#$ you Cornell University, or any overrated institution that provides you with more debt than education. Education is one of the only industry in which the patron pays to be tortured and bossed (unless you are into that S&M stuff and you've ordered a dominatrix). Basically, I pay money out of the @$$ so that I can worry about impossible prelims (and I know somebody is thinking, if they are impossible, then why worry? The results will be the same right? I worry about the degree of impossibility), endure subzero temperatures, and eat subpar food. Not to mention the Bursar, whose sole purpose is to extract what little money we have. And why do they have a whole department? No it isn't for customer service, which sucks badly, but it is so they not only rape your future fiscal security, they gangbang it. 3. F@#$ you dumb bastards who call me a racist, a sexist, a masochist, a fist or any other negative/descriminatory -ist. I'm totally f@#$ing fed up with dumb motherf@#$ers whose sole source of happiness is that which they gain from their smug, better than thou, stick up the @$$ derision of other people. If you are going to make fun of somebody, make sure that you have all of the definitions. You don't want to call a self-pleasuring bull-dike (i.e. a masturbating lesbian) a masticating thesbian (or a chewing actor). That just makes you seem like a dumb@$$. If you are going to "play the dozens" make it funny. I'm more tired of people making suck jokes not worthy of my response, or any response. Jokes so stupid, that the desire for backhanding is over-ridden by the yearning not to waste energy. 4. F@#$ you government. You are a f@#$ing necessary evil. I'd threaten you, but hell, I don't even want to consider the consequences. I'm just glad that I can (i.e. I have the right) to talk about almost anything that I want. I'm glad that I can say "F@#$ you, government" without (in theory) having to worry about a sniper taking me out tomorrow. I don't agree with the dirrection that the current administration is going, so I chose to express my disapproval now. 5. F@#$ you dumb@$$es that get treated like royalty only to stab the ones who gave you everything. Forget the fact that all of their hearts and soul and finances and AIDS went into proping you up, forget that they sacrificed time and pleasure to serve your dumb @$$. Just go on about your business. Trust me, your time will come. I'm watching. One day, when you are walking your dog/cat/orangutan, I am going to pop out of a maple tree, like a rabbid squirrel, and smack you in the face with my herpes bat (EDITORS NOTE: no sick joke intended there, it just happened to be said incorrectly, but since I don't want to change any posts significantly, I kept that sentence in the blog). 6. F@#$ you dumb n___as that blame the media for the bad impression of Blacks. You dumb motherF@#$ers, it isn't the media all strung out on crack on the corner of Georgia and Peabody, it isn't the media that popped the lock on those cars, it isn't the media that went into Pussy Liquors (an actual store) with a ski mask and a nine mm. In fact, I've never seen Diane Sawyer steal anything, except about an hour of my time. I've never a high-speed police chase involving Dan Rather, a crackpipe, and his Asian ho named Connie Chung. I've never heard Stone Phillips say "That wizzle in Irizzle is off the hizzle my nizzle and five more soldizzle's died when Iraqi militizzles let loose mortizzle firizzle..." (translation: "that war in Iraq is off the heezy, my n!88@ and 5 more soldiers died when Iraqi militants let loose mortar fire..."). 7. F@#$ you rappers who claim to be live in the hood when they can't even see the hood from their 20 story Beverly Hills mansions. Also F@#$ you pastey white, W.A.S.P.Y. dumb@$$es who think that they are part of "hip-hop" culture. I wish I would see your pastey dumb @$$ in Anacostia (Anacostia is a not so glorious place in Washington, D.C.). Hell, I don't even want to go to Anacostia. Try imitating them, and watch your Tommy gear disappear. 8. F@#$ celebrities who think that they are more important than the rest of this world. You guys shouldn't be subjected to the same laws that we are, you should be subjected to worse, stricter laws. The punishment for a Bruce Willis traffic ticket should be castration. Make a F@#$ing example out of them. Courtney Love wants to jay-walk? Death by TNT. Dumb elitist @$$holes. 9. F@#$ you Harvard. Better name. Worse education. Grade inflation. I wish I had enough dynamite. But instead I will just build a scale model of you and burn it in effigy. And the list goes on... more added to the F@#$ you! list next week. David at 11:36 AM Building Rage Two more pamphlets, bringing me up to 5... Luckily I'll be out of town this weekend. Maybe that will cool the blood... Oh, I guess I should say something of some value: Here is a joke, you've probably heard it before, but since it is campaign time: What Is Politics? Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question? Father: Sure, son. What's the question? Son: What is politics? Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “the President.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Congress.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son? Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it. That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is. Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words? Son: Well, dad, while the President is screwing the Working Class, Congress is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit. Here is something else: Things Found Only in America 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. Dubya Quotes: "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George W. Bush "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." ...Governor George W. Bush "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." ...Governor George W. Bush "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." ...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94 "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95 "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change." ...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98 "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." ...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93 "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." ...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96 "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." ...Governor George W. Bush "The future will be better tomorrow." ...Governor George W. Bush "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." ...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97 "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." ...Governor George W. Bush "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." ...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93 "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." ...Governor George W. Bush "Public speaking is very easy." ...Governor George W. Bush to reporters "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." ...Governor George W. Bush "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." ...Governor George W. Bush "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." ...George W. Bush "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." ...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96 "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." ...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97 "For NASA, space is still a high priority." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93 "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." ...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95 "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make." ...Governor George W. Bush "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." ...Governor George W. Bush "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." ...Governor George W. Bush "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." ...Governor George W. Bush State Slogans: Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: Without Atlanta we're Alabama Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Seven Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney... North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States! Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: A Whole 'Nother Country! Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese Wyoming: Wynot? David at 8:19 AM Oded Very seldomly do I decide to write about someone personally or to use the "dear diary" format of talking about what happened today, but I am going to do it today. Why? Because some french canadian Bitch (note which words have been capitalized) named Oded decided that it was his place to remind me that I was 2 minutes late. Now I admit to not knowing much about the nuances of many cultures, but in my limited knowledge of stereotypes (which are usually founded in some truth) French = smug and Canadian = dumb. This guy fits both stereotypes. He also smells like decaying fecal matter and garlic/onion stew, something that I have been told is a common smell in the Parisian subway. And it isn't just his B.O. that smells that way, it's also his breath. It's like he brushes with butt plugs. My problem isn't that he said it. The problem is why he said it. My lateness did not interupt the class, because they had not started yet. My lateness doesn't affect his grade or his concentration on Spanish. My lateness affected him in no way at all. So I have come to some conclusions, either he feels that he is in some position of authority over me (which he is clearly not seeing that he is not a teacher of any kind), or he has some insecurity which causes him to need to say petty shit like that. My guess is that it is the latter. He does, in fact, have a lot to be insecure about. First, it is pretty sad to be balding at the age of 23. At the rate that he is going, he will need a "Homer Simpson" style comb over by next year. In addition, he is terribly scrawny, like Olive Oyle (Popeye's girlfriend) on the Atkins Diet. He is probably incredibly weak and feeble, like Mister Burns after what little muscle he has left has atrophied. His mind is weaker than his body. But the worse thing about him has to be that he is French Canadian. That is like a double dose of uber-suck. It's like getting seconds at Hell's buffet. So instead of elbowing him and breaking his fragile nose or letting loose a random barb about his lack of adequation, I let it go because I pity him beyond belief. He could never live up to any amount of greatness. He is not even fortunate enough to be Canadian or French, but is a bastard hybrid of the two, recieving none of the positives but only the stereotypical negatives. Way to represent your people. You've done your parents proud. On a totally unrelated note, I recieved 3 pamphlets today. And so the onslaught begins... David at 9:18 PM Poetry Welcome, once again, to Practically Nonsense, where we bring the pain. Yes that pain. The pain only associated with a combination of hyena bites and salt and Joan Rivers. Just in case you didn't see the Oscars here is a summary. "And the Winner is... Lord of the Rings: Return of the King In the meantime, I know that you all have been pining for my blog like a crackhead pines for the pipe. So for all you PNon-junkies, I decided to take a little time out to discuss with you an important subject: poetry. Before I do that, look at this, Wegman's has gone international. Says the Washington Post: "The Rochester, N.Y.-based grocery store chain -- known for its upscale products, moderate prices and cheery customer service -- is placing a sizable bet that fast-growing Loudoun County is filled with patrons like the Williamsons. The 130,000-square-foot store -- four times the size of a typical grocery -- is the first Wegmans to open in the Washington area and the 66th nationwide" Upscale!? Ok... I'll leave Wego's alone. Because this isn't even that important. Congrats to Wego's anyhow. Now back to the topic. I know that you are probably thinking that I'm going to down poetry... No I'm not. Nor am I going to uplift it. I'm going to try and explain to some people what poetry actually is. I hope that I will clear up some common misconceptions concerning the art of poetry. That way, when you write that trite garbage that you think of as poetry, you can look at this blog and say. Oh, wait, my "poem" isn't fit enough for me to use it to wipe my ass, let alone to call it a work of art. Then you can trash those false thoughts about you being any good at poetry and you can stop asking people to read your stupid body of literature. So let's get started. How on earth am I qualified to talk to you about poetry? Good question. Because this is my blog. Simple as that. I can post what I want here. But my actual qualifications are as follows. I published my first poem when I was in sixth grade, but I've been writing forever. In high school I had three more poems published. Since high school I've had five more published. My writing instructor at Cornell told me that one of my poems, named The Blues was perfect and that she wouldn't dare change anything about it. That it should be sent for publication immediately. She also said that I should publish two more, as well. I've not gotten around to it yet. Perhaps what makes me best qualified for this is that I was nominated (but turned down) the "amateur poet of the Year" award. I have my little certificate at home, that is all I need. I don't need the silver trophy or the plaque or the $20,000 dollars that I found out (after turning the award ) that I would have received. Either way, I hate writing poetry, but I have to do it because it is one of my few decent nonviolent outlets. I have very few other good skills. 1. Big misconception #1 is that poetry must rhyme. If anybody still has this misconception, please, kill yourself. Now. I'll even buy you your supplies. A rope, a gun, a knife, a whiffle bat, an unedited version of Gigli, however you want to kill yourself. Just because a lot of people did/do it doesn't mean that it has to be done. I still occasionally write rhyming poems, but the overwhelming majority of my decent poetry is non-rhyming poetry. 2. Big misconception #2 is that everybody can write poetry. Hell, F@#$in' no. There ain't no way on God's formerly green, now brownish-red (because of pollution) earth that everybody can do it. Everybody can try to do it. But everybody can't. You think you know about poetry. To quote my high school English teachers first words to his poetry class "you don't know dick about poetry, and I don't know dick about poetry. But somehow, I will attempt to teach... No, not teach, guide you through." This coming from a man who has been writing since before I was born. He is editor of two different poetry magazines. And he doesn't know anything? So how the F@#$ do you think that you can know anything? You can't. I can't. None of us know what is like to be perfect, but we all recognize perfection when we see it. Unless you are a smurf, you don't know how it feels to be (literally) blue. Well you still can recognize blue, you can be taught that. But there's no smurfin' way you can be taught skill. That is just there or it's not. It's innate. I refuse to believe that I can come anywhere near the caliber of Robert Frost or Langston Hughes. But if we all can do it, then that would be true. 3. Big Misconception #3 is that poetry has to have a form. Poetry is fluid. It fits into any container and will take that shape. That does not, however, mean that poetry doesn't have rules: The rule of poetry: Poetry has to sound good. Sound is pretty much all that separates it from other genres of writing. Poetry doesn't necessarily need imagery, similes or metaphors, or anything else. Although all those are nice things to have, poetry only needs to flow. It has to have a natural rhythm. So poetry doesn't even have to make sense. Take the line: Chickens chopping shopping centers buying silk bags or swapping burlap sacks for eggs The sound is what matters the most (I just came up with that line off of the top of my head). Note the use of alliteration (e.g. the "ch" and "s" sounds that are so prevalent in this line, and also the "p", "b", and "g" sounds, to a lesser extent) and assonance (e.g. the similar sounds of the vowels in "eggs" and "bags"). It is nice to add a theme, or if possible two or three, interchanging them and not making the transition too obvious/predictable, but it doesn't necessarily have to be present. Imagery is probably the nicest thing to have in poetry after the sound, but again it isn't necessary. But look at this line: Trees salsa swiftly swaying hips and legs to the strum of wind drums Note the use of personification (the trees obviously can't dance, they don't have the anatomy for it, so giving them hips and legs is personifying them) and the metaphor (an implicit comparison is being made between the trees and dancers), as well as general imagery words. Things like "swaying hips" and "drums" conjure up certain pictures and sounds in one's head. Using the two lines that I made for this blog, and about five more, I will attempt to make a functioning poem out of the mess: Chickens chopping shopping centers buying silk bags or swapping burlap sacks for eggs As trees salsa swiftly swaying hips and legs to the strum of wind drums Let's add a simile (because I personally like similies... get it LIKE. That was an awful awful pun): Chickens chopping shopping centers buying silk bags or swapping burlap sacks for eggs As trees salsa swiftly swaying hips and legs to the strum of wind drums Whistles soft as newborn gosling down traverse the airborne aisles. Let's give it a theme and a unifying statement that can make sense of these ramblings, since this site is called Practically Nonsense, I think that a voice in the midst of insanity might be a good theme for the poem: Sapience whisks to evanescence: Chickens chopping shopping centers buying silk bags or swapping burlap sacks for eggs As trees salsa swiftly swaying hips and legs to the strum of wind drums Whistles soft as newborn gosling down traverse the airborne aisles. Let's finish it off with a few nice sounding lines and a little edit here and there: Sapience whisks to evanescence: Chickens chopping shopping centers buying silk bags or swapping burlap sacks for eggs As trees salsa swiftly swaying hips and legs to the strum of wind drums Warbler whistles of sanity, soft as gosling down, traverse the airborne aisles. Sugar from precious lips fill the head for a flash Sage sentences dissipate Now barren endeavors sunk in dissolution We are now done with this poem, except I will break it up into different line schemes and then give it a title. Although it sucks right now, after many edits, it could become something remotely decent (even though I don't have the time right now to do this): Practically Nonsense Sapience whisks to evanescence: Chickens chopping shopping centers buying silk bags or swapping burlap sacks for eggs As trees salsa swiftly swaying hips and legs to the strum of wind drums Warbler whistles of sanity- soft as gosling down-traverse the airborne aisles. Sugar from precious lips fill the head for a flash Sage sentences dissipate Now barren endeavors sunk in dissolution. David at 11:57 PM What I want for my Birthday Guys (and girls) I want you to take a look at this site:Swords Of Honor I want either the knob sword cane or the war hammer sword cane. You can also go to Mantis Swords. Any of the sword canes there will do. By The Sword also carries canes. But you can also go to SelfDefenseProducts. Again look at the canes. Go to Cane Swords for a list of more sites with cane swords (also check out the pen knives). David at 4:19 AM Defender of the Blog Bunny, don't keep us waiting too long. I think I speak for all of us when I say that I'm very anxious to read your gay blog. Carlos | Homepage | 02.24.04 - 11:50 pm | # -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday, I was rereading Carlos' blog, when I saw a comment that he made concerning Drew's blog. I promised Drew that I would defend his blog, but only if he got a commenting system (which he hasn't done, but I'm going to defend it anyway). If you want to know how I feel about Andrew's blog, read my anti-blog blog then read Drew's blogs and see if he matches the criteria for the release of my hate. I don't think he does. I think that occasionally he has something meaningful/original to say. So for someone to call Drew's blog "gay" when there aren't any real signs of homosexuality involved (nor is it a particularly happy blog), is plain stupid. It is. Just immature and stupid. Carlos, you were the one who suggested that we all blog, but then you put him down for his style of blogging. You knew how he was way before you suggested that he blog. Now you want to call it gay? If you know how he acts, what makes you think he'd be any different than when he writes. One could even go so far as to say that usually writings are usually more extreme than the author, at least in our age bracket. So you should have expected those traits to be amplified. You asked for him to blog, you got it. I hope that you are happy. Now he may not ever blog again. You never know. You may think what you want, but you definately wasn't speaking for me. Don't bitch about the lemonade, if you picked and mixed all the ingredients. Mr. Sadowski: I hope this was adequate. David at 12:21 PM The Special Someone Blog Making about as much sense as a G.W. Bush tax plan, it's the single most popular blog amongst Canadian white supremist musical prodigies on tour in Africa, Practically Nonsense. Again I apologize for abusing your eyes with those pictures (oh and in case you are wondering, they are all women). But the reason that I did it was to punish Carlos. That and to show you that no matter how ugly one is, there is always SOMEONE out there willing to sleep with/marry them. Both Luna and Nichole are married and Chyna has had at least one true b/f that I can think of. So there is hope for even the most hideous of beasts. Oh and their husbands/boyfriends must be faithful, lest they get their asses handed to them. So, now onto a related topic: In all of my life I have very rarely found that perfect person, it is indeed impossible. It is errors that make us human, whether they be physical or mental or emotional or anything else that ends in -al. Yet if there were ever a time to think about the perfect person, for me it would be now. So here is my list (it is a running list, so you may hear more about it in the future): 1. The perfect human has to be female. Why? Because they smell good (usually and when they don't... damn. I mean women are extreme when it comes to scents. They either smell like fresh cut daisies in a soft summer breeze in the countryside OR fresh shit in the sun at a fish market). And, as much as it pains me to say it, they are somewhat smarter than us guys. But that aside there are still at least 100 other reasons, the primary reason is because I'm straight. 2. The perfect human has to be smart. Both intelligent and street savvy. I don't want a dumb woman. Jessica Simpson is as beautiful as Ithaca is gray, but she is as dumb as Ithaca is cold. Not ordering Buffalo wings because "[you] don't eat buffalo" or asking if "Chicken of the Sea Tuna" is chicken or tuna is a bit much. You can be silly without being a total moron. As a key chain once informed me "Everybody has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing said right." 3. Athletic, for many reasons (just think about the possibilities). She doesn't have to be uber-thin. I don't want to hug a stick. It you look like you've just survived a famine... uh eat biatch! But I am not partial to whales either. I'm sick of telling women that they aren't fat. Usually if a girl asks if an outfit makes her look fat say "In all the right places." Next time I'm just going to stare at her @$$ and then say "Damn..." and accompany that with a look as if I were sniffing a fart, seeing Luna, Chyna, and Nichole Bass make out with eachother, hearing Joan Rivers talk, touching the sharp end of a porcupine, and eating a lemon simultaneously. I do like a proportional girl. She's got to have a nice butt :). When I say athletic though, realize that I don't want to feel like I am holding a man. I like my women soft and smooth, but fit. I don't want to have to worry about her dropping dead when I see her eating chicken, but I don't want to feel like I'm laying on bone. While we are on the subject of bodies: Women, you don't need plastic surgery. Trust me. There is a guy out there that likes you. 4. The eyes have to be beautiful. If you have beautiful eyes, you are blessed. Beautiful eyes are tools by which you can manipulate anything. For example, you want one million dollars... I'm no millionaire but if you got good enough eyes, and you give me the puppy dog look (not a rabid one-eyed, half-eared, bow-legged doberman, but a spaniel) then it is VERY hard to say no. 5. Kindness is key. I don't want a facist dictator for a girlfriend. That doesn't mean that you have to be nice all the time. It just means I don't want to see your name associated with the conquering of continental Europe (save France. You get an extra point if you invade France). I'll also put loving and caring all in this pile. I don't want to spend too much time talking about emotional stuff. I am a guy... wait, let me check... yep still there. 6. A sense of humor. Correction, a good sense of humor. I want a girl that can make me laugh. One that can recognize what is funny and what isn't. She's got to "have jokes." Like I say "if jokes, then friends." She has to be able to take a joke. I'm not saying that I want to pie her or squirt ink on her favorite white blouse. What I am saying is that I want to be able to poke fun at her here and there and she can take it standing up. 7. Honesty is always key. No liars. This one is hard. Because women lie all the time. Fake fingernails, weaves, high heels, makeup, GOSSIP. 8. Hair. I love long hair. Long soft, silky, smooth as satin sheets hair. Even nappy hair is ok sometimes. But I don't want to feel like I'm running my hand on someone's knee. It pains me to see short hair sometimes. 9. She has to be fairly attractive in the face. 10. She has to be able to take care of a home. Not saying that I want a g/f or wife just to stay at home all the time and cook/clean. I want someone is is able to do it. The way I see it, with the right amount of money, you can become thin (liposuction), you can become pretty or enhance what God gave you(plastic surgery/make-up), you can get hair (extensions/weave), you can become taller (heels), you can gain beautiful eyes (contacts), you can change almost anything about you. But if you can't cook, I mean really cook, then you've got nothing. You can't really teach cooking. It's something that is inherited. It's genetic. It is on chromosome 19, I think. Taking a basic recipe and making it yours is what I'm talking about. Everybody can make spaghetti. But how many people can get you to orgasm from it? Exactly. Ten points. A perfect 10, or as we Blacks like to refer to them as "dimes" or "dime pieces." This is my standard for a perfect ten. That having been said. I think that I have at least an eight, but more likely a nine, at home. Obviously, nobody is perfect. But Joy is great with all the things that can't be learned. And boy do I love her spaghetti! David at 12:00 PM The Ugly Blog This is the second post today but since I've been changing so much around, I figured that I should update you on what has happened to your precious Practically Nonsense. New things: Check out Cha-Cha Carlos in the "Gay post" Also the Michael Jackson pic has been moved to the "Jesus Juice post." I put up a pic of the Rivers in the post about award shows, and I also put up a pic of Paris Hilton in the post about celebs, A santa gif has also been added to the roster of pics too. Now... please forgive me for the question that I am about to pose to you: Which of these three women will take the crown for most hideous, please vote in the comments page: "ANGELLE (LUNA) VACHON" Pic from owow.com 
"JOANIE (CHYNA) LAURER" Pic from owow.com 
"NICHOLE BASS" from Nicolebass.com 
David at 8:17 PM The Evolution Revolution From the shelves of your local grocer, it is the reground, grade E, past expiration, 100% skunk testicle meat better known as the invincible and utterly satisfying Practically Nonsense. What is too far? And have I passed that mark yet? Please respond. In the meantime, please take a gander at this proof of evolution: 
Note the differences in intelligence between the two species. This image was taken from Bush Or Chimp. You may or may not believe in evolution. But I will take a few minutes out of my day to clear up some common misconceptions about evolution. That way, maybe, we can move from the dark age and into the evo-revo or evolution revolution. Oh, by the way, I don't think that Bush is dumb or a moron or anything like that. I just find the fact that he looks like an ape very amusing. Evolution was at one point defined as decent with modification. Now it is defined as the change in allele frequencies over time. To dumb it down for meteorology, Communications, and English majors (notice how I didn't capitalize meteorology, that is because I don't respect any of those majors and I respect meteorology even less. No I am kidding. I respect meteorology more than communications and english. But I thought that I should personally attack Vlo today) that simply says that at time 0 alleles A and a are at a 2:1 ratio. Then at time 170,000,000 those same alleles are at a different ratio. It doesn't matter what other ratio just not 2:1. It is that simple. That is evolution. You CANNOT deny that this happens. Now that evolution is defined let's hack away at two of the common misconceptions about evolution: 1. Humans evolved from apes: NOT TRUE Look at the above picture. You'll learn that Apes evolved from humans (this isn't true either). What is thought to have happened is this: A long time ago an animal, let's call it Species A, was alive. Species A gave birth to several offspring and these offspring (for whatever reason) gave birth to other offspring that were different. Maybe due to environmental stress, maybe due to different mutations Species A diverged into apes and humans. Like Abraham gave birth to TWO sons Ishmael and Isaac, so species A gave rise to humans and apes. We don't say Isaac came from Ishmael, so we shouldn't say that Humans came from monkeys. Darwin, moreover, said very little about humans. He said something to the effect of "maybe this can help us find out about ourselves." He never said anything about us evolving from apes. 2. Evolution is a theory: NOT TRUE. Evolution is a fact. It would be foolish to deny that populations don't change over time. Look at the human population. Do you think that from the beginning of the human race (whether you believe in God or not) that the ratio of Blacks:Whites:Asians:Native Americans:Others:Drew have stayed the same? That would be foolish to believe. There is no way that they have. Bubonic Plague hit Europe harder than Ike hit Tina. Smallpox should be called Suga'bear for what it did to the Native Americans. Africans have AIDS/Malaria/Sleeping Sickness massacring the populace. So their has been no change? You must be out of your damn mind. What is the theory? The theory is the mechanism by which evolution happens. Natural selection is the current favorite. Others argue that God picks and chooses whatever he wants to live and die. Either way, Evolution is a fact. The most common problem with evolution is religious. Trust me. Evolution and religion can be reconciled. No matter what evolution says about the body, no one can argue (at least well) that man is more than just another species. Science can explain the origin of our physical body, but it fails in determining the origin of our mind/soul/spirit. In addition, where did it all come from? You say life came from simpler life and that life came from macromolecules and those macromolecules come from elements which come from atoms which comes from protons/neutrons/electrons which comes from quarks etc. But where did that all come from? No answer? That is where I'd insert God. They say that the Big Bang had been so precise that if anything was off by even a 1% life wouldn't have existed on earth. That is evidence for an intelligent being. Listen if you are going to follow a strict interpretation of the Bible, then maybe you should lay off of the pepporoni and bacon. Because it was wrong to eat pork. Why is it so easy to dismiss God's commands about eating only clean animals but then choose to believe the creation? If you believe the Bible strictly, believe it ALL that way. Sorry if I trampled anyone's beliefs. I hope this was helpful. David at 2:40 PM Quiz/Celebrities Like a overweight, underdressed, Russian, hatless lunch lady with lice and dandruff, disgusting you as you feed it's the one in a million blog: Practically Nonsense! I'm on an F'in roll, I am. I just want to take some time out to say thank you to all of my true friends out there. You are all ok with me. I will call off the hits on most of you. On the good side of things, I am up to whole subscribers. If more of you subscribe then you will receive an email when the blog is officially updated. Then I won't spam you (as much). Some changes to the blog include a new comic ("Rubes") and a new skin for my comments page to match my actual page. Also I am going to try and blog more often. Of course if you just subscribe you don't have to check here everyday. You just check your email and boom! You'll know when I've blogged. I highly recommend that you do it. Even I subscribe to my blog so that I'll know when to check it ;). So subscribe. Now. Also rate my blog. Preferably good ratings, but honesty (bleh) is best. This blog is extremely different. It is simply a test. Post your answers in the comments page. The one that gets the most questions right will be spared when I finally push this red button... TEST ABOUT DAVID 1. What is David's favorite color? 2. What is David's favorite sport to watch and/or to play? 3. What is David's favorite movie? 4. What is David's favorite Kool Aide flavor? 5. What is David's favorite fruit? 6. How many siblings does David have, if any? If he has any what are their names? 7. What is David's favorite number? His second favorite number? 8. What two languages did David take in High School? 9. Who does David consider the four most beautiful celebrities in the world? 10.What is my dog's name? 11.What are my favorite pro teams (from all four major sports)? 12.Why should David spare your life? The answers will be posted in a future blog. Thank you for your cooperation. Wasn't that pretty stupid? Good. I am glad I just wasted your time. But now on to more pressing matters: I really don't know what to blog about. It isn't everyday that everything seems to go well. But more and more my days are getting better and the better my days get, the further I have to fall. My life is all about balance and if something good happens like I get above the mean on a prelim, it is countered by something bad like me loosing my arm in a freak fishhook accident. So I'll just wait for it all to hit the fan. Until then I need something to rile the blood. I am not really angry enough to blog. Wait I got it... PARIS HILTON. That will do. I'm not going to blog about her because I am actually sick of hearing about her and I am sure that you are too. Correct me if I'm wrong guys. In the mean time look at this amusing pic of a polar bear: 
It seems that the bear has been algaefied (new word coined just now) in a similar process as a sloth. You done thinking over the Paris Hilton thing? Good, I was right wasn't I? What is our obsession with her? She is moderately attractive. Wait, let me put it this way she isn't the least bit ugly, but she is far from the most beautiful face on the planet. She looks like she could use a McRib sandwich sometimes. But still... This brings me to a bigger question: Why are we so f@#$ing obsessed with celebrities? They are just ordinary people. Ok, most are very smart. David Duchoveny (I think that is how it is spelled, all you X-file fans can correct me) went to an Ivy. Will Smith turned down a full scholarship to MIT (who on God's earth does that?). But who cares. Who cares what cereal Mel Gibson eats? Who cares how Carrot Top's likes his toilet paper? Who even cares about Carrot Top? Why do we long to be that which we can not be? Why are there Puerto Rican girls who want to be just like Jlo when they are already smarter and better looking? The biggest question: Why is there 30+ shows just for celebrities? What the f@#$ is Celebrity Justice? Is that show even necessary? We hear about the trials of stars in the regular news anyway, and they should be subjected to the same laws and rules that everyone else has to abide. Why is it that Ben Affleck's love life is more important than the war in Iraq? IT'S NOT!!! I don't care. Most people don't. Those shows appeal to Hollywood stalkers. That's right Access Hollywood. Keep showing me places that I can't get into because I haven't been in a movie. Keep showing me the hangout of the stars. I got enough Nitro to go around. You know what? Why not just TNT Hollywood? That would solve a lot of problems. Papparrazi... I'm not surprised to see an angry star punch the hell out of a camera man. I love that stuff. I'd beat the hell out of someone who just randomly takes a picture of me and tries to make money off of it. Papparrazi have there own circle in hell. They will be sodomized with a barbed iron rod over ten feet wide. If they enjoy that sort of thing? Then they will have to listen to Joan Rivers. What about those gay fashion designers (kind of redundant) who call themselves the fashion police/experts? F@#$ them. Wait don't do that. They'll like it. Who the hell are you to say what is hot and what is not? You just arbitrarily pick what looks decent and what doesn't. I know in one magazine they said that Thongs were on the "not" list. Hmmm... I don't know about your penis, but thongs seem to get the blood a flowin'. Maybe you don't have a penis, maybe you are a girl. Well then I understand you not liking thongs. But this list was put out by a guy. To contrast this, Ashton Kutcher was put on the hot list for wearing a trucker cap. Um... yeah. Ashton dresses like trailer trash. No, let me correct myself. He dresses in trailer trash hand-me-downs. So how is he the best dressed of anything? How is Kid Rock fashionable if all he wears is jeans and a wife-beater? While we are on fashion, when did it become acceptable to be clad in pants with holes in them or faded jeans? When I was growing up, that was fuel for jokes. Big time. That meant your dumb ass was poor. Clothes too big equaled hand-me-downs. The only reason why your boxers would be showing is because your broke ass couldn't afford a belt. Now it is the style? Now you see white kids with their boxers showing, sporting a backwards cap, and 'Tims saying "Yo, what's up homie!" My Asian roomate is still stuck on "WHAZZZZUUUUUUP!!!!!" F@#$ that. The fad is over. Let's go back to a time when fashion was actually fashionable. Now anybody can come out with their own clothing line. I should come out with one called "Le Dumbass." Make sure it is French so that it seems erotic, but is really insulting. But back to the main strand... These celebrities have gone too far. They endorse politicians and try to use their influence to get some guy into office. The problem is their is some ignorant bastard out there that is actually going to vote for Al Sharpton just because the actor who played pimp #1 in Blackula said that he would vote for Sharpton. How utterly ridiculous! Why the hell do I care that Ted Dansen (Cheers, Becker, just in case you cared what he has acted in) supports Wesley Clark? I don't care. I don't even care about Ted Dansen. I think that if he died my life wouldn't change. There will be no holiday for Johnny Depps bday or death day. I won't even bat an eye. I'll say "wow" or "that's sad." But I wouldn't even stop if his funeral procession was approaching the same traffic light as I. When it all comes down to it, I just don't care. I don't want to hear another multimillion dollar celebrity complain about the pressures of their lives. You don't like your life, retire. Simple as that. You have enough money. Change your name to Umbique Monzampie Irequina Jones and move to Namibia. Why should I be bombarded with radio waves and risk cancer (EVERYTHING causes cancer) just so you can hear about Nichole Kidman's 5 billion dollar shoes that you can't even afford? F@#$ you. I wish AIDS on you. So I apologize for this blog. It wasn't amusing. I know. I don't care. I am too tired to dance for you right now. I just want to go back to my room and sleep until I OD on it. Until next time. "PARIS HILTON" pic property of FHM 
David at 12:49 PM Ho Plaza, Literally 'Ello poppet. Today marks the beginning of my ever triumphant return to the blog forefront. I gave them a break from my wit and cunning. It is now time for the resurgence of sarcasm. The one, the only, the greatest ever "Practically Nonsense!!" Today's blog will be about prostitution. So let's get right down to it, shall we? The other day, Ho Plaza finally lived up to it's name. I'll explain in a second, but before I do I need to get some of the basic stuff out of the way. I need us all to start from the same point. So forget everything you've ever learned (and if you are a student at Cornell that should take you about 1 second). This blog is the only reality that exists for you. Now that we are all in a state of knownothingness (otherwise known as a professorship at Ithaca College, or as it is affectionately known as to their graduates IK), we can start off with this fundamental truth: David L. Woods, Jr is the master of the universe (not the crappy movie starring Dolph Lundren, but more like a Sith Lord or a Darth Vader). Also realize that my rule is absolute and that the definition of prostitution is as follows: prostitution -n.- (Pra-Sti-Too-Shun) 1. The act or practice of engaging in sex acts for hire. 2. The act or an instance of offering or devoting one's talent to an unworthy use or cause. [Dictionary.com] According to the second definition, anyone at Cornell is a prostitute because we all come here with some talent or another and devote it to this terrible, terrible, terrible, place. But I am not going to rant about Cornell in this one... I don't have the time. So how does this tie in with "Ho Plaza?" The other day (actually around the time of Valentine's Day) I received a pamphlet- wait a minute, I hate pamphlets; this shall be the subject of a future blog. But probably not until Spring, when the pamphleteers are out in large numbers- which advertised for a kissing booth of all the hottest girls (and guys) of Cornell taking place on Ho Plaza. My big question is what are the requirements for hot? How can the hot standard be fairly applied to Cornell? A hot girl at Cornell, isn't that an endangered species (if not extinct)? Hold on let me check... Yup Cornellius puella calida only 5 known left in the wild. Besides those 5 girls, the hottest girls at Cornell are only average (at BEST) compared to most places (of course, if one compares them to the townies...), and I doubt those girls would want to kiss the Cornell guys. We are a homely bunch. So why would I want to kiss some random girl who look like she is mooning me? Why do I want to kiss someone whose teeth look like they are on opposite side of the San Andreas fault after a major earthquake? Why do I want to kiss a brunette whose gums match her hair? I don't!!!! Most people don't. But there are those people at Cornell who are just so ugly that they can't manage to get a kiss like normal people---WITH BOOZE! Just kidding. I hate that shit. But if you are reading this, chances are that you already know that. I also saw a flyer for bidding on a date with some sorority girl. Ok, I don't even want to date a sorostitute. I don't even care that much about them. That Girls Gone Wild... well... ahem, that could be hot, I don't know, never cared to watch it. I got everything I need in Joy. She is not perfect, but neither am I (this is the first and last time that I am going to admit to this so you guys should print and frame it). The biggest problem with the kissing booth doesn't lie in the devaluing of the word "hot," but it is in the fact that one could be kissing the ass of a gay sweating oiled-up Ukrainian wrestling champ. You have no idea where those mouths have been. Some of those mouths could have just been involved in cunnilingus, head, or even analingus. Also there is a huge chance that you would contract some disease. I am not just talking about the flu or a cold. I'm talking about Mononucleosis (Mono as it is more commonly known), Herpes, Human immunodeficiency virus (HIV has been known only to have been transmitted through kissing once, but still...), Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Human papillomavirus (HPV), Gonorrhea, Hepatitis B, Syphilis, Trichomoniasis, Hepatitis C, Cytomegalovirus, Scabies, and pubic lice. All that from a kissing booth, David? Yes!!! Says WebMD: "Exposure to an STD can occur anytime a person has sex or close contact that involves the genitals, the mouth, or the rectum with another person." Any of these diseases can be spread just by sexual contact (i.e. genitalia to genitalia, genitalia to mouth, genitalia to rectum, genitalia to ear, etc.). So why take the risk of being infected with a possibly life-threatening disease just to kiss a mediocre (at best) beauty? Why not just kiss my ass? It's cleaner and sanitized for your comfort. Why not just lick a shoe? Even better, why not get a little wrist affection instead? Save yourself a life time of itching and masturbate. Grab a bottle of Jergens and don't stop until you've emptied the whole thing. Grab a magazine. A playboy, hustler, SI Swimsuit, Maxim, FHM, MAD, anything that turns you on. Just go for it. Don't hold back just because grandma is watching. Trust me, she likes what she sees. You are online now. The internet is an endless chasm of mediocre porn. Just go to your email address, look in your inbox or bulk mail folder and just click one of the links. But only after you are done here. My biggest problem with this is that some of these girls will be the same ones filing for sexual harassment when someone compliments them on their breasts, whistles at their figure, or stares too long at their hair. If you don't want to be objectified, then don't sell yourself. Otherwise, you are no different than a toy or a broom. You are a sexy broom. A broom with breasts and a tight little @$$ and a broom with which I can fulfill my sexual animal urges. But a broom nonetheless. And so sweep, clean, know your damn role toy! I'll handle you any way that I wish and you won't say a damned thing about it. Because you objectified yourself, I'm just carrying on your tradition. It doesn't matter how I treat you. You have no brain. I can buy you at Kay Bee or Toys R Us, second ailse, third shelf from the top. Right next to the video games. Between the Barbies and the Erector Set. Of course, I don't really feel that way about women. I don't own any women. I don't buy them. But it angers me to see that they are selling themselves in any shape. Think of the children, won't somebody please think of the children?! God bless you Cornell; because with the sororities, the alcohol and drugs, the kissing booths, the bidding for dates: if the current rate continues, you will produce some A+ whores. Not in the looks department, but surely they will be able to suck one mean... David at 11:59 PM Black History Here is a great quote: "Hmmm... ranked #5 huh. Well I feel sorry for those ranked #10, they must serve awfully stale gruel... no trays, just served straight to your hands." -Chris of Jansens (one of the pizza guys) when he heard that Cornell Dining is ranked #5 among college/university dining and that Jansens itself was supposedly the best at Cornell. Of course I didn't get on just to tell you a good quote. Anyway, nothing is really bothering me that much except the whole Janet Jackson thing, but I've been discouraged to blog about that. By whom, you say? Who would dare take away a rant that would use the word nipple (hehe) thirty times? Who would prevent the pure joy that would result from said blog? I would, but if you have to kill someone, kill... let's say Andrew. In the meantime I want to talk about being politically correct. Mostly as it refers to race relations. WARNING: This is EXTREMELY sensitive material and I can't stress enough that you shouldn't read this if you are easily offended. If you unable to poke fun at your race, don't worry, I will ;). So now that only the intrepid are with me, let's talk about being pc. First things first, I am black. I am not African-American, I am not caramel, I am not mohagany, or colored. I refer to myself as black. Let me tell you why. Because I don't give a rat's ass about race. I reject the whole notion of race. I don't believe in it at all. Race is pushed around way to much. It has too much importance to everyone. Now I am not anti-heritage, in fact, I am proheritage, but heritage and race are two different things. I would never put down someone's heritage. That having been said, let's move on. I really hate February. Look at the "gay" blog for more info (that would be my second blog). But in case you don't feel like doing your own research: it is cold, it is dreary, it is short, and it is Black History month. Black History is the month when they pause the Seinfeld Marathon to show a little special on Sanford and Son. Black History month is when we finally get to hear something about blacks and what they have been through, here is the itenerary for most schools: First week: Slavery, civil war, civil rights movement, Martin Luther King Jr. Second week: Martin Luther King Jr. Valentines Day Third week: Martin Luther King Jr. Fourth week: Martin Luther King Jr. and other notable blacks (i.e. Michael Jordan) Now I don't mind talking about Dr. King, but I have a problem with him being the answer to EVERY black history month question. Hey does anybody (other than me) know who Crispus Atticus is? How about Langston Hughes? Arthur Ash? Why don't you look them up. It is terrible that Black history is only important for a month, and society just considers this as acceptable. Valentine's Day is considered more important and stores are flooded with pink and red EVERYTHING. But where are the Malcolm X posters? Where is the Thurgood Marshall pics and cards? Blacks get the scraps from the table in a sort of covert racism (like a CIA lynch mob, kinda). But what about the other "races?" Where is the month for the Asian history? or for Latinos/as? The Native Americans don't need a month. There are only four of them left and I have 12 bullets. They are either all dead or being bred out of the population. Or they are on reservations, refer to the first option. Nevertheless, people should know who Sacagewea and why she is on our currency. Everyone should know about Tito Fuentes or even Maria Luisa Mabilangan Haley. But most of you think that I've just made up some of those names... then again, most of you probably think that there are WMD in Iraq (oh snap, oh snap. Hey Bush, I got you man. Hey Los, you want a way to get the government all over this site? Check out these statements: 1. I've always had WMD's (winter medical disasters). 2. The photographers will shoot Bush tomorrow. 3. Cheney is dynamite, the White House staff too. 4. Gigli didn't do well, it was a bomb. 5. Arab). I hate people who make everything about race. There lazy @$$es can't keep a job, "'cause the man holdin' dem down." Naw, |\|!88@, it is your language that is keeping you back. Or maybe it is the smell of Chronic and booze. Oh and it isn't the media potrayal either. The media has never broken into my house. The media has never robbed an ATM. I agree that the media isn't always even in its potrayal (guess what the Blackest show on t.v. is. It's probably COPS), but stop blaming others and pick up the slack yourself. If you have to be better just to get the job, then be better. I am proud to be who I am, but regardless of race, I am still me. There would be some slight change, but I am still David. Just as surely as you would still be stupid. I would like to think that I'd be just as humorous and dumb, just as sensitive and nice, and just as beautiful as... well... I hope I'd look a lot better. So here is the reason that I don't subscribe to race. Because genetics and anthropology has determined that we all came from one person. Don't believe in science? Well Christian Creationism agrees with that. Whether you are a slanty-eyed cat-eating chinaman, a lazy ghetto weed-smoking negro, a rain-dancing scalping Injun, a strawberry-picking lawn-mowing taco pusher, or a pale pasty euro-trailer trash redneck hillbilly cracker or a mixture of any, you all have at least two things in common. One is the DNA in your body. The second is that you all now hate me for this blog. But, hey calm down, have a sense of humor. This is just practically nonsense. David at 2:02 AM Shopping For the Common Man Greetings and salutations from Hell, today's weather forecast 1,000,000,000 degrees Fahrenheit, sunny, with a chance of brimstone! Ok, as you can probably tell I put some pics from the Parking Lot is Full webpage on the right to fill up some empty space (please don't sue, please don't sue). The first pic is from the Non-sequitur comic strip. Also, I bumped up the font from 8pt to 12pt for the vision impaired. It will make my posts look longer, but hey, you don't have a life anyway so you won't complain. Thanks for your comments. It was because of Carlos that I went to this layout, but that is fine. The last post was my 15th. That means in blog years I'm still an infant, I'm way behind. I'm like that kid in your highschool who came by himself on a different bus, the little white one with seatbelts and padded floors. The one where the driver had an attendant armed with a billy club and riot gear. Now that most business is done, it's time for some blogging and it will be fun...gus. Hello, my adoring public. It's been a while, no? It's a shame, I've got nothing to say really. Later this month, I plan on talking about race relations. Yay Black history month (this is sarcastic, for those who don't know me)! Also, 'Los I like the idea that you suggested, but this one isn't that one. That one is on my to do list. Today I'd like to converse with you about the mall. No, this isn't a recap of the Santa fiasco. I am going to type about the mall experience. What is a mall? There was once a time when malls were a big thing. Now in the age of internet shopping and divx movies, there is no reason to really go to the mall. So why do they still build them (and even more, why do I care enough to blog about this?)? Because people like the mall. For youth, it is a hangout, a place to get away from the stench of the elderly and imminent death that emanates from their increasingly old parents, who "just don't understand." For parents its a place to find way outdated clothes with which to embarrass your children on their first day of school to ensure that they have no personal lives and avoid hanging out at the mall. To women, a mall can be heaven. They will go for ANY reason. A shopping spree to ease depression and a shopping spree to celebrate are both common. A shopping spree is emotional penicillin for a woman. For a man, shopping is hell. A study on men at malls was conducted in England about 2 years ago, it shows that a man's blood pressure rises dramatically, sometimes even doubles, while he is shopping. While the woman needs NO reason to justify a day at the mall, the man has two big reasons why he would be there: (1) the man needs something and/or (2) all of the women are there. For the purpose of brevity, all gay men shall be considered as non-reproductive, very unattractive women. I have neither the time nor the inclination to deal with them as a separate being. So what do I think about the mall? I know you are asking that, otherwise you wouldn't have made it to this point in the blog. I would best liken the mall to a twenty year old Vegas whore with syphilis. Oh yeah, it's pretty, it's attractive, and it's promising; however it is also overrated, too expensive, and a death-hole. A mall is like AIDS in edifice form. A mall is supposed to be where you can make one stop and get everything that you need. But can anyone say "WALMART?" How about COSTCO or TARGET or SAM'S CLUB or even the lesser cared about K-MART. You could literally live out of WALMART. Pitch a tent, eat the snacks and canned goods, play the games as entertainment, the only thing that you wouldn't be able to do is mate (unless you go to the "Pimp 'N' Ho's" section, aisle number 78, behind the bleach), but why would you want to mate with another person found at WALMART? Let me break it down for you: The mall experience: 1. The family (of 4) pulls up into the parking space as far away from the mall as most orbiting satellites are from their gravitational source. They would've been better off just walking from their home instead of waiting in traffic. 2. The "plan" or "itinerary" is handed out, usually verbally, but sometimes for you OCD people who have to do things three times, for you OCD people who have to do things three times, for you OCD people who have to do things three times, it is written. The time and place to meet is set. 3. The family splits up: (a) Dad finds three shirts and two pairs of pants, buys them, and goes back to car to listen to whatever sport is on. From his years of experience he rather be in the car than be in the mall. The whole ordeal took Dad 5-10 minutes at the most. (b) Mom goes straight for the shoes, she buys 90 items in one store. Already she is passed meeting time, and she is upset because she didn't get a chance to see all of the stores. Oh well mom, there is always next weekend. (c) Brother goes to the video game store sees everything that he can't afford and that his parents won't buy. He plays the games at the store, but the manager of the store shuts them down prematurely. He will then take his frustrations out on the next poor sap that challenges him in Marvel vs. Capcom MMIV at the arcade. He may also visit the shoe store to see the newest style that their friends will be wearin', while he inherits Dad's old dancing clogs. Back to the arcade for you young man. He will be ready to leave in about a hour and a half (d) Sister may tag along with Mom, but she might go off with some friends. She'll get the shoes that she wants and the games (if applicable) that will be played on Brother's game system. She'll get everything that she asks for. This will take her some time, but she will only be about 5 minutes late. 4. All are at the Food court (although you can argue on whether or not it should be considered food) except for mom. Dad orders for mom, mom arrives 30 minutes later. 5. They are all set to leave when mom sees a sweater that is "perfect" for Brother. Brother is nagged into trying on the pink and yellow carnation flower sweater. She will do this to him at least 5 more times before he leaves. Giving him the necessary equipment to assure that he will be beaten rituallistically by his high school peers. 6. They depart. Happiness is as follows: Dad= indifferent and/or depressed, Brother= depressed and silent. Mom and Sister=extremely happy. Let me say, the next time I get sprayed by the "newest Ralph Lauren fragrance" I will take that cologne and make sure that the "spritzer" is "zestfully clean" understand? They're gas will smell like Passion for men for weeks. Also, I personally hate trying things on. I know my size, I can return it if it doesn't fit or I don't like it. So why the hell do I have to try it on then? I don't, but for some reason women seem to think that it is a necessity. And when did trying on underwear at the mall become acceptable? It's not sanitary. Who wants to try on big Ted's reject thongs? Who wants to wear Osciris's pubic hair? Let's not even discuss disease. Have you noticed that there are NO windows in most malls? Do you know why that is? It is so that you have no external stimulus other than the mall. No sun, no cumulus clouds, no beautiful animals to stare at or even shoot. You can't see a beautiful car. You must have all your attention focused on the mall. Only the mall. Nothing else. I wonder if this method is useful for kids with ADD (no, not "add" you jackass, A.D.D. Attention Deficit Disorder, hey listen... pay attention). Anyway, it generally works. But it is a shame that it has to be that way. What does it say about today's trends and toys if one has to buy them in a darkened building with no external distractions? Why do they put the clothes on little manikins with "perfect" bodies (which I don't buy, there isn't anything attractive, at least to me, in any woman being that thin. She wouldn't be able to menstruate and that isn't normal. Give me a beautiful full @$$ over a pancake any day. I want your stomach to feel like a pillow, firm but soft. I don't want to feel like I'm laying on a rough jailhouse trick named Jeb, although Jeb was gentle... I don't want you to strive to be like Somalians. We are blessed enough to live in the U.S.A. So eat you dumbass. If you are fortunate enough to afford a steak, bite the hell out of it. Consume that motherf@#$er! Go ahead and have that gravy! We got the best damn doctors in the world. They can almost bring you back to life. So why let your 3rd heart attack get in the way of your Macky Dees? Of all the ways I want to go out, food has to be second. Sex, of course, wins big.). I'd like to see these same fashions outside on a rack. See how appealing they are then. The whole manikin idea bothers me. You aren't even close to that size. Nobody is. There is no point, not even during embryonic development, that you were ever that small. And while you are busy looking at that size 2 manikin, you forget that your size 17 @$$ will look ridiculous in that spandex, forcing me to see you and eventually hurting your feelings because someone made fun of you. Off the topic, why do women wear pants with words on them. But if you stare at the words, you are wrong. It's almost always a lose-lose situation. They are either beasts of women, hideous by even Ukranian standards. They have huge @$$es and you have to scan about 4 ft to read the whole word. Or they can look really good, but be offended when you gaze too long. Or the worse ones... the false advertisement ones, like saying "booty-licious" on their pants but God knows there is nothing there. Not even a thimbleful. All clothes aren't meant for you, so stop trying. But back to the mall. The mall is almost as useless as the mail service (between the internet, special couriers, and the telephone, everything that one used to use the old lick and stick method to do is covered). What is worse than that is the disparity between malls. All malls suck, but "Black" malls... they are just uncontrollably laughably terrible. They don't even have the physical appeal. They look just like slums. There is graffiti everywhere. Cannibis is all over the airways. You don't want to buy anything because the walk to the car will likely result in a mugging. And if you do escape the thugs, your car might not even be there anymore. From the time you walk through the metal detectors, you know that the experience will be bad. The bathrooms or outhouses/portapotties, depending on how ghetto the place is, smell like ancient $|-|!+, like fossilized feces. The place is just pungent with it. The stores are all ghetto stores with "no return" policies. This is in contrast to the "white" malls, which have valet parking and hot towels and massaging leather recliners and a smiling salesperson. But let me take my black @$$ in there and I'd have security all over me. They'd be like, "can I help you with that sir?" And I'll say "no, I'm just looking, thanks" and then they will stay and watch me anyway, thinking I am going to steal something. I will, but the salesman won't see it. This is in contrast to a Black mall, they don't care if you steal the clothes, they got it from your house three days before anyway. In my opinion, all malls should be destroyed using the thick skulls of their regular patrons (who go there even without the intention of buying... WTF is window shopping. I can sit at home and watch the f@#$ing commercials if I want to see what I don't have.). In their stead one can build housing or hospitals or schools. There is a solution. David at 12:51 PM Eat, Drink, Lie Naked in a puddle of your own vomit Ok. Ok. Now this is just great! Carlos and I are on one accord. To see what I'm talking about look at the last post about why Cornell sucks, then look at what Carlos added. Before I even read his comment, I was going to either write about the Mean Dean who was suprisingly nice and is trying to get me to remain premed. The M.D.'s good mood can be explained by the fact that an assistant was about to order chicken wings for the office. And I don't care what ANYONE says. Chicken wings can put happiness into any Black person. Hell, I've seen chicken wings smack PMS out of the bitchiest of women. I've seen wings quell gang wars. You could've stopped the L.A. riots if you had a bucket of extra-crispy. Look at it this way, Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits can be put in the middle of Hickville, USA, and Blacks will be standing in line to get in. If a Klu Klux Klan lynch mob offered chicken, Blacks would be extinct. But that is beside the pointl. My other option to blog about was alcohol consuption (which relates to what Carlos said about vomit being spewed all over the bathroom floor, oh and, Carlos, the why I hate Cornell list is a running list, just think about it: I would have to stop doing this blog if I ever ran out of things to write about, but Cornell is like beans for a bloated and flatulant pig). The jokes stop here. The background: My inspiration for this post was actually found in the bathroom of Cascadilla Hall. It wasn't vomit. It was a person, sleeping on the bathroom floor in a stall with a locked door. His feet were protruding from one stall into the next and he was snoring obnoxiously. Normally, I would allow this fiasco to continue, but he was on his back and if he would vomit in his sleep... well, he'd choke and die. It was late, so I didn't want to wake an R.A. I had backup, just in case he got beligerant and we had to take him out. So with a little inginuity, requiring a plunger and a toilet seat, I unlocked the door. After slapping him about 12 times he awoke and went to his room. My reaction: Please note that today is Thursday. That being said, WHO THE HELL GETS WASTED ON A WEDNESDAY? Oh, and I definately know that he isn't 21, but that isn't the point. I could almost understand getting drunk on almost any day except Wednesday. Monday and Tuesday could be weekend spillover. Thursday could be early weekend, but Wednesday? Oh he is definately going to be a raging alcoholic. His wife be measuring his ring size with her face. The problem that I have is that people drink to get drunk. They say "it loosens you up." Let me quell any misconceptions now. Clinical research shows that it isn't the alcohol itself that does it. An experiment was done with people who were told that they would not be drinking alcohol, but were given an alcoholic drink. They were reserved and tense. They didn't talk much, they were normal. The same group later was later told that they would be drinking alcohol and were given a non-alcoholic beverage that smelled and tasted like it contained alcohol. They acted drunk, they were laid back and talkative, some were angry and violent. They thought that they consumed alcohol. given alcohol and told that it wasn't alcoholic. The results are obvious, thinking that you are drinking actually does more to loosen you up than actually drinking. What alcohol does is inhibit your brain. People do some DUMB-ASS SHIT when they are drunk. Things that hurt and they can never take back. They never listen to the warnings, they think that they are invincible and indestructable, but then they look and feel stupid when it backfires. Alcohol has ruined my life, and I haven't even drank any. Nobody cares to think about what it is doing to their families, their friends, or to themselves. They don't realize what a danger it is to be young and uninhibited. You have a brain for a reason, that is, to reason. The only thing that separates us from the rest of the animals is our ability to reason. Why would one want to give up that gift? Why would one regress hundreds of thousands of years, intellectually? Alcohol can have good effects, like red wine being good for your heart. Red wine has the good cholesterol (I don't feel like explaining the whole cholesterol thing). But you can get that from other sources as well. It isn't necessary to drink. Occasionally, it is ok to consume a tiny bit of alcohol. I plan on drinking a little every now and again. But to go on binges is just stupid. I FUCKING HATE THAT SHIT!!! So if I see one more "vomit trail," hear someone saying "I got so wasted," or even fucking smell that shit on you, I might just pull back my hand and beat you like you are an unwanted red-headed orphan. Please, oh please breathe your alcohol breath on me. Please be soaked with alcohol. I'll fucking light a match and set your dumb ass ablaze. Then I'll send your ass to a butcher and have you served at the next frat party. "Hey Ted, didn't you want your bitch well done?" Humans can no longer regulate themselves. I'm all for democracy and equality, but do you honestly think that you drunk dumbasses should have the right to vote? You probably said "yes" if you can get it out. Dance, rummy dance! (Moe to Homer, both of Simpson's noteriety). Why should my future be put in the hands of someone who doesn't even care about their own? What kind of twisted, nonsensical, subpar, inept, abyssmal, inadequate, abominable (thanks Apuff), and down-right idiotic system is that? There has to be some overlord. Someone has to come to earth and enslave us all. This shit angers me. I want to go into a bar with a colt carbine or an MP5 Navy or even an AK-47 and just unload about 30 bullets into each idiot there who orders more than one. Kill yourselves and spare me the time and effort. To all you drunk drivers: FUCK YOU!!! To those who beat their families: Come try that shit on me. I'll leave you with two black eyes, a broken nose and jaw, and a big "NIKE" print on your forehead. You'll be eating through a straw through a hole in your neck. I'll have you all hooked up. Hooked up to an oxygen machine, to an IV drip, to life support. Bring it bitch! I'll Sammy Sosa your ass. You think I'm joking, fuck with me again. I've lost tons of respect for those people who drink like that. TONS. I've lost family members due to alcohol poisoning. I've lost friends due to alcohol. I know what it is to see someone do something stupid when drunk and be directly affected. So fuck you! Fuck your alcohol! Hell, now I need a drink. David at 11:36 AM The Cornell Experience Tis another glorious day in Ithaca, NY. The clouds are out, the sky is nice and gray, but you can barely see it through all of the snow. And guess what? It is a steaming 32 degrees (F) or 0 degrees (C) if you prefer. With that lovely inspiration, how can I NOT blog? I would've talked about Janet Jackson's breast, but Carlos already covered it, and so did Eric (look for both links above Michael, also read Tunapuff's blog... I think that it is amazing). I guess, therefore, that I won't talk about it. I don't want the topic more cliche than it has to be, I would like to say... hehe nipples. That being said I have to find something else to gripe about... how about good ol' Cornell? I haven't done that yet... so this, my friends and that one guy who just happened upon this site, is the "why Cornell sucks" blog. Before I start though I'd like you to look at Michael Jackson... are you back yet? Good, now we all should be in a laughing mood! Because of time constraints and me not caring what you think, I will use the dreaded list format. This will make it easier for you to follow, but it will be less funny overall... Why Cornell Sucks 1. Cornell has this stuff called "SNOW." This stuff just never stops, it snows from late September to early August... it could be 1000 degrees and snow will still be all over the place here in Ithaca. 2. Cornell professors fall into one (or more) of these four categories, in the brackets are the percentage of each according to my calculations: (a) inept and worthless- a mockery of their chosen fields, writes lectures in stencil with safety pencils or crayons [37.39%] (b) smart but aloof- hidden somewhere outside of El Dorado, barely approachable or even contactable, uses smoke bomb to leave immediately after class, email has been known to occur but rarely, class and exams are utterly impossible as the problem sets can only be done by members of this group, generally nomadic and too busy working on their books to worry about your future (forgetting that their social security depends on whether or not you have a job...) [29.51%] (c) Boring as hell (wait, would hell be boring... hmm whores, sluts, weed, alcohol, drugs, sex, tv, racism, war... sounds pretty fun... but then again you would see Martha Stewart an AWFUL lot, so it isn't worth it)- with voices to cure insomnia and put Mr. Rogers into a coma, covering already boring material, it gets so boring that if there was a noose in the classroom, students would be fighting over it [32.67%] (d) fun and capable- these instructors seem like they just got a big pay raise, braving the wind and the snow is a delight in order to sit in their classes. They are always upbeat, flexible, and always having fun, their tests tend to be harder because of the informality of class and all, but the overall experience is generally better. [.43%] . 3. Cornell's sports, in general, suck. Hockey/Polo/Wrestling/Fencing are the exceptions. Watching Ivy League basketball games sometimes becomes the equivalent of watching the Special Olympics. Watching the football games is worse. 4. Cornell's prelims are close to impossible, the worse part is that the first 1-2 pages give you a false sense of hope and pride before page 3 starts the onslaught of unknown concepts and theories that were founded the morning of the exam while he/she was drinking a morning cup of Joe. 5. Number 4 combined with the fact that it is always snowing and is always cold leads to the simple fact that Hell does freeze over. 6. Competition among premeds is outrageous... How about sending some of them to Iraq or Afghanistan. Tell them that Osama is ruining the curve they will hunt him down, find him, scalp and behead him, label it and set it up in Stimson Hall as a reminder to all other premeds of the danger of pursuing one's dream... 7. The Bursar just whoops financial aide. My Financial Aide struggles to scratch the Bursar. 8. The Engineering Quad, if you haven't seen it, lucky you. 9. Art/Drama/English (to a much lesser extent) majors...you guys know so many things, you guys think that you are so elite. Hey you know so many definitions? Define these. Just in case you didn't get the innuendo, I'm talking about my huge, watermelon-sized nuts. 10. Liberalism- Ho Plaza (see previous post) is a nest for zealous overactive young people who think that they can change the world, the world is much older and much wiser than you are. They will probably picket outside of my room if they ever read this blog. They can congregate their... they'll call it a demonstration, I'll call it a shooting gallery. 11. Test too hard... too many gorges. 12. Know-it-all freshman... wait till you are my age, then I'll be laughing. Think you can correct the professor, even if they are type (a), I still respect them more than you. You'll be devoured by the Red Tide. 13. Food sucks. For God sakes, they have greenhouses and farms ON CAMPUS, but the veggies STILL aren't fresh... I guess they went bad on the 2 mile ride. 14. McCluies- there is nothing worse than someone trying to indoctrinate you, but is too stupid to understand that you don't care and are way too smart to be overtaken by their leftist bullshit. Hell, I don't listen to what they say and I'm a democrat. 15. No good radio stations... PERIOD. My sister (and others) ask "If you hate it so much, why stay?" There are MANY bad things about this place, but there are some good things about Cornell, like my friends. They have been there for me when Cornell is at its worse. Cornell separates me from my parents by 600+ miles, that is just priceless. But the best reason for attending Cornell, and I think most students will agree, is getting that degree and making WAY more money than any of you. Nap time... David at 11:44 AM The Anti-Blog Blog Garbage... Garbage all of it. All of this blog is just that, garbage. The quality of this blog since its inception can only be described as a "devastating spiral of utter despair." That's right, I'm using my own insults on my own work. I apologize... I know that this is supposed to be nonsensical, but it isn't supposed to be stupid. So what should I do, should I quit the blogging world? HELL NO!!! The crap that comes out from this blog is almost three times as good as many other blogs. So today, quite ironically I might add, is my beef against blogs. Ok, so before I start, my inspiration for this blog comes from NOBODY that I know. I read your blogs often. I was reading this one young lady's blog and she says "I'm a weirdo. Once you read a few of my blogs, you'll start to understand me. I'm not complicated....Just weird." So I read a few thinking that this girl will live up to her blog's name of "Twisted Young Lady." To put it mildly, "this is the most blatant case of false advertisement since I saw the Neverending Story!" (Lionel Hutz of the Simpsons). The author seems young and seems to be a lady, but she is definitely NOT twisted. She seems perfectly normal and her blog seems to be nothing more than a running diary. This is a problem for me because I DON'T CARE. I don't care what you ate yesterday and how it was similar to the dish your mom made you when you were three. I already understand you... you are a girl. A typical American girl. You go to dances, even though you already know that they'll suck, you have boy problems, you get rid of some of your best friends for the WORST reasons (such as "she called me a slut bitch." Well that wouldn't have happened if you WEREN'T such a slutty bitch. Get off your knees, stop complaining, and get some self-esteem.). Hmmm... David you're being mighty stereotypical and controversial... Well I don't care. Listen, some blogs out there are just plain ridiculous... I don't need to know your grocery list. Wait, you know what... keep blogging like that. That way I can find out where you live, your daily patterns, and predict where you are going to be. Then, jump out of the bushes with a garden hose, beat you until my arm can no longer support the hose's weight and then choke you to death. Sounds grand, doesn't it? Even better... I can jump out of the frozen food aisle ambusing you armed with your favorite frozen ham. I'll stab you with that ice pick that you love so much, and I know where it is because you TOLD me. Second guessing that whole blog thing, huh? It IS ok to talk about your daily life if you add some substance to it, you can talk about your classes if you occasionally break to say something profound or emotional. Eric Mesa's page (Binary World, look for the link) fits under this category. Usually it is about normal things like how he's feeling about classes, but he has been known to post about the troops or something that he read and wants to recommend. But if you are just going to write about how your mother cooks peas and you want carrots then buy a f@#$ing journal. And if you can't afford a journal please feel free to email me at moosepod@hotmail.com and I'll see if I can help you out a little. You know what, don't even bother, I don't want you to write in journals either. Because you might get the idea that someone cares and put it in a time capsule or something. Then Mzasputinhablaespanol! from the planet Dondeestanlospantalones? will find it and will think that this was the way all Americans are. And how do you think the book feels? It could have been a reprint of the Bible or a magazine or even a Playboy. It could have been a dictionary or a sub poena. It could have been a juror's account of the Kobe Bryant or Michael Jackson case. It could've been the next great American novel. Now it's just a trite piece of crap, no better than toilet paper. Just stop taking up so much webspace, because of blogs like that, people have a hard time weeding through the jungle that is abyssal blogging to reach the land of milk and honey (i.e. here, aren't I modest?). I guess it is everybody's right to express themselves (well every American's at least, if you are in China then sorry for ya'), but are we so self-absorbed that we can't get away from our daily lives to say something worthwhile? I will call this the "Dear Diary" syndrome. We, as humans (and especially as Americans), are self-absorbed that we assume that everyone wants to hear about every inane, little trifle that we can conjure. For shame. I am about to redefine the word genius. A genius is one who realizes, without cue, that his/her opinion is worth nothing to most and can tell the difference between those who care and those who don't. I guess it isn't their fault... I blame the parents. I guess their parents are some of those "new parents" who tell their child that his/her opinion counts or those that put their kid in "time out." Whatever happened to the real parents? The ones that would smack you with the telephone if you dared to speak out of turn, even if it was just to tell them that they were on fire? Where are those parents that told their kids "shut the f@#$ up you ugly summamabitch!"? My dad used to tell me, "call the cops on me if you want to, but they have a thirty minute drive to get here, and I WILL get my money's worth by the time they arrive." I understand that. No little kid is going to sass me. Let one of them say "David, you're stupid." The truth hurts, but not as much as my fists. You may be small, but my foot will fit up your @$$. Some psychologists say that you should talk to your kids. F@#$ words... sticks and stones are better parenting weapons. Look at it this way, how did a caveman- let's call him Ug- how did Ug keep Da and Ug Jr. from screwing up? He beat the hell out of them. Ug Jr. tries to play in fire, Ug punches him with a wooden club. Little Da tries to eat Ug's chicken... Ug knocks out Da's baby teeth and warns next time they are permanent. There are no words, only gestures and whoopings. Communication is a "hands-on" thing. Forget face-to-face and let's start some of that fist-to-face. A household isn't a democracy, it is a tyranny. Teenage pregnancy, teenage STD's, teenage suicides, teenage fatality, teenage violent crime all way too high. The only thing that is low is teenage test scores. I backhand every now and again will fix that. In the 1600's when you turn ten you are already becoming a professional, you'd be an apprentice. If you'd even begin to go astray... big Billy the blacksmith will show you why he is the best mace-maker in town. Simpler times. How I long for simpler times! Oh and to the author of the blog in question, don't listen to this... It's practically nonsense. David at 12:29 PM Jesus Juice with the pimped out Gucci suit (This is a serious and short Blog. It is immediately followed by some Simpsons quotes.) Listen my children and you shall hear about a midnight binge with booze and beer... Yesterday was the SUPERBOWL!!!! The happiest day on earth. A day filled with subpar buffalo wings and inadequate football play. But HILARIOUS commercials. So tomorrow look for a blog about the commercials, but not here... DISCLAIMER: All people are innocent until proven guilty in thte court of law. That being said, let's get this trail started so that we can fry the bastard!!! "MICHAEL JACKSON" by Satan 
I have decided to take up Carlos' offer to run with the whole Michael Jackson thing. So the title of this blog is "Jesus Juice." Ok... So, Carlos wants me to make fun of Michael Jackson... hmmm... I think that the picture on the right is good enough. Michael Jackson doesn't need to be made fun of, he needs to be eliminated OR get professional help. Calling white wine Jesus Juice? My God. He also calls red wine Jesus Blood. Does anybody else need any proof that this guy is insane? Let's quickly look at his track record... 1. He loves children right? Then he dangles his own kid out the window. Poor thing, it would've been better just to drop the bastard. Who wants to grow up as Michael's son? Think about it, you'll have his genes so you'll be incredibly weak, you'll have tons of money for lunch (but too weak to keep it), your dad pays more attention to Bubbles the chimp than to you, you could NEVER have sleepovers, and he would try to steal all of your friends. 2. Got Bleach Michael? Michael is lighter than the coursework at Ithaca College (no offense to any of the communications majors there. I am sure your day is filled with educational stuff, like How To Talk 101, which is a systematic survey of the English alphabet and how it is used in this blog. Students will learn how to spell and pronounce many foreign and native words such as A-S-S-H-O-L-E. They will also learn how to solve word puzzles like this Anagram: FCKU OYU IABCHT!). Most people just deny their heritage. Michael went ahead and killed his. 3. Michael, where is your face? I mean, come on. Damn. Michael is all-American, but his face was made in Guatemala. There is more plastic on his chin than in a Toys-R-Us warehouse. He looks like he is wearing wax lips, his nose has a dimple (if you think I'm lying look to the left). 4. So old MJ keeps the boys' sisters and mothers in the guesthouse because they are tattletales (information provided by Carlos)? What are you afraid they will tell Mike? Here's a better idea, the sisters (provided that they are eighteen and older) and the mothers should be sleeping in your bed. Not the boys. And he's not gay... my ass (wait no Mike not my ass, try it and I'll kill you and moonwalk on your grave). 5. So Jacko has gathered up quite a fortune... but how does he use it... on a huge ranch with a zoo, on rollercoasters,on train rides, on an ever-changing face, and to bait kids. I have to give it up to Michael's accountant. He sure knows how to keep the books. Most people that rich and that eccentric (Mike Tyson, I'm not even touching that... M.C. Hammer, the ORIGINAL white rapper...) don't last with money. 6. So it comes down to drugging kids, now? He has to date rape his kids? Michael if you get them drunk they can still sometimes remember... why not use chloroform? Knocks them right out. They won't remember a thing and you can explain the pain as "sleeping wrong." Maybe I should be ashamed for saying this, but Michael used to be my hero. My family had every cassette tape of his (including the Alvin and the Chipmunks version of his songs, which in retrospect was an AMAZING work). My family used to even sing the Jackson 5 songs (that was when he was still Black). Hell, I could even moonwalk at one point. So what follows is said with the utmost respect for MJ and his work: WHAT ON GOD'S GREAT EARTH IS WRONG WITH YOU? I'm sorry for the lack of humor in that blog... the next blog will probably be serious too, it is about Penile Rupture... maybe, I haven't decided if I really want to do two serious blogs in a row. So to make up for the lack of humor... enjoy these delicious Simpsons quotes (This is for Carlos who helped me when I needed him most and for all of those Simpson fans out there. Enjoy): HOMER "I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES." "Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!" "Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own." "Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done." "The strong must protect the sweet" "Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?" "Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!" "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." "Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family." "I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight." "Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!" "D'oh!!!" "That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!" "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'." "God bless those pagans." "I'm in a place where I don't know where I am!" "I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t." "Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy." "Mmmm, free goo." "It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day." "I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!" "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night. "Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!" "Ha ha! Look at this country! ? U R Gay!? Ha ha!" (looking at Uruguay on the globe). "Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers." "Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?" "If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!" "Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!" "Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat!" "Lord help me, I'm just not that bright." "What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts." "Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations: You may outsmart someone!" "I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb." "Beer. Now there's a temporary solution." "Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close." "Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!" "If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!" "Unlike most of you, I am not a nut." "Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more accidents around here than any other employee, including a few doozies no one every found out about." "No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed." "Simpson-Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree....D'oh!" (sung to the air of Flintstones theme song) "Ignore the boy, Lord." "Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?" "You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment', and God bless her soul, she was really onto something." "When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!" "Trying is the first step towards failure." "America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, ... well all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!" "What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?" "Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them." (to aliens who abducted Simpson family) "I like my beer cold?my TV loud?and my homosexuals flaming." "The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do." "I think the saddest day of my life was when I realised I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four." "And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned." "Being popular is the most important thing in the world!" "Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use." "Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman." "The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!!!" "Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that." "Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin." (on death of cat). "And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?" "I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh, goodnight." "It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone." "Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle." "OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!" "Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?" "Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers." "No! No no no no no no! Well, yes." "Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will." "Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!" "They have the Internet on computers, now?" "Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!" "When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces,,...I just know they're about to jab me with something." "Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose." "Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button." "If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. "Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You" "All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one." "Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing." "Operator! Give me the number for 911!" "Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?" "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such." "Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless." "It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day." "Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races." "Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems." "I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!" "If this were really a nuclear war we'd all be dead meat by now." Simpsons Funny Quotes...4 "Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours." "Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow." "And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream." "Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!" "Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die." "I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here." "Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college." "Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television." "Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible." "No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you." "Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer." "I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?" "When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more... more... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return." "If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English." "Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people." "Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation." "Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!" "Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory." "You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge: they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won't! They won't let me live!" "Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover." "I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live?" "I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me." "Lisa honey, are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?" "All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad." ''To Start Press Any Key''. Where's the ANY key? "You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on." "Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs." "English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!" "I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!" "Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy." "I have feelings too - like ''My stomach hurts'' or ''I'm going crazy!' BART "I'm Bart Simpson, who the Hell are you?" "Eat my shorts." "I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!" " Kiss you? But Dad, I'm your kid!" "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub." "Don't have a cow, man." "Cool, I broke his brain!" "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures." "What if you're a really good person, but you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?" "Well, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't." "All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale." "No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am. "I can't stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress - Hmm, that gives me an idea note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa's dress." "Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ." "There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson. "Dad, thanks to TV,' I can't remember what happened 8 minutes ago. No, really, it's a serious problem. Ha, ha, ha! What're we laughing about?" "What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it." "I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!" "What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them-as is my understanding." "Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun." "I am through with working. Working is for chumps." "It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have." "Cross you heart, hope to die. Stick a needle in your eye. Jam a dagger in your thigh. Eat a horse manure pie!" MARGE "Homer, you raided the college fund, the TV... Homer, you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you." "Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?" "Bart, stop pestering Satan!" LISA "Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican." "Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece." "It's naive to think you can change a person--except maybe that boy who works in the library." "Science has already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol, and Chinese food, but I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone!" "It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV." "Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?" David at 12:10 PM |
