PRACTICALLY NONSENSE: For fur, filth, and fun. Your one stop shop!
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PRACTICALLY NONSENSE.
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<$BlogItemTitle$> I realize that I haven't posted in forever, not that it matters. But I can't help it when something huge comes up, like school. Either way, a friend's poor decision in music has led me to this post... oh and while I have your attention go see www.projectsp.blogspot.com, leave a comment or something to help me with that site... But enough of salad and soup, let's get some steak on your plate... Music is an art... that is why I can't stand when people slaughter it (note the "Awesomely Bad" series). People like Yanni, Kenny G, and John Tesh have no business in music... In fact, here is my recent thoughts on how those three. A little background info: this stems from looking in a "friend's" profile to see that he/she/it is going to a Yanni concert. I will protect this person by calling he/she/it "IDIOT" instead of using said person's name. This is to protect the identity of this person, whose safety would be rightly in jeopardy, due to love of Yanni. I will be listed as "ME." The colors are for clarity's sake and b/c IDIOT is a dallas cowboy fan and I am a Washington Redskin Fan. Note the capitalization. Now on to the rant: ME (12:12:39 PM): Yani... lol... it will be brought!!! Auto response from IDIOT (12:12:39 PM): All you Cowboy haters can shut it!J.J. is da man! off to sing in the rain ME(12:17:28 PM): Look IDIOT I don't have to start on Yanni... all I have to say is http://launch.yahoo.com/artist/artistFocus.asp?artistID=1029713 ME (12:21:16 PM): but in case you don't want to read it. It starts out like so: ME (12:21:18 PM): Like fellow new-age crossover instrumentalists John Tesh and Kenny G, Grecian keyboard wizard Yanni has sold millions of albums. But as is the case with John and Kenny, no one will actually admit to buying one of those albums. See, it's simply not cool to like Yanni's grandiose, baroque balladry--not even in a kitschy sort of way ME (12:21:27 PM): that is an exact quote ME (12:21:56 PM): in fact, anything that is successfully compared to Kenny G deserves to die a most horrible death. ME (12:22:57 PM): Look at his pic, he looks like a pedophile/murderer/tax evader. ME (12:27:13 PM): Now compare him to Kenny G, who is rightly considered the Antichrist by most old school jazz fans. He also looks like a pedophile/murderer/tax evader. ME (12:34:12 PM): Oh and John Tesh, looks like he words at H&R block... he's that guy who spends all of his downtime looking at Vietnamese kiddy amputee porn and staring down little Katie, who happens to be in his daughter's girl scout troop. http://launch.yahoo.com/artist/default.asp?artistID=1026762 Auto response from IDIOT (12:34:12 PM): All you Cowboy haters can shut it!J.J. is da man! off to sing in the rain ME (12:37:22 PM): Niether of these three persons have any right to be in music... Yanni the Greek Swimmer, Kenny G the accountant, nor John Tesh the communications major and host of ET. ME (12:38:25 PM): Here is a good quote about Tesh to sum it all up: John Tesh may seem to be one of the most hated musicians in America (perhaps second only to Kenny G and Yanni) ME (12:43:42 PM): Anybody who supports these men should be considered audioterrorists and should be maimed, sterilized by the most painful process available, and deprogrammed. If all of this fails, they should be decapitated, and their heads should be paraded around the White House. ME (12:46:11 PM): *editors note: "John Tesh looks like he works..." ME (12:46:34 PM): If you want more, just let me know, but for now I have to get back to studying... ME (12:54:17 PM): oh and did you know that YANI (one N) stands for "Youth Attracted Network International" which is actually an international pedophile network... as of today it is 3rd on Yahoo!'s search if you look up "Yani." Really weird that it would be pronounced the same way. I'd bet the farm that Yanni is a due paying member of YANI, if not the president. I bet you can crosslist Yanni's fans with the members of YANI and you'll get at least 25 common names. Also, the only reason any of these three artists have sold as many albums as they have is because people who buy the filth are SOOOOO ashamed that they keep throwing it away/ hiding it from their significants so that they can't find them that they have to buy new ones. I bet you walk into a store with a trenchcoat and sunglasses on to buy your Yanni cd's. It is probably handed to you in a plain brown paper bag. HAHAHA Auto response from IDIOT (12:54:17 PM): All you Cowboy haters can shut it!J.J. is da man! off to sing in the rain ME (12:54:24 PM): like porn, or sex toys ME (12:55:22 PM): YOINK!!! ME (12:59:27 PM): oh and for reference here is a pic of Kenny G for you http://launch.yahoo.com/artist/default.asp?artistID=1014161 David at 1:15 PM Smash Battle A friend, Drew, and I had a Smash battle... all talk over aim... some of it is cut off. It starts off talking about how Dragon Day is for Bowser: Bunny: good thing i had class and missed it Bunny: heard it was pretty bad Bunny: fitting for bowser day Zeus: i didn't go Zeus: hatred? Zeus: lol Bunny: truth Bunny: ? Bunny: anyway Bunny: being having a bit of a marth renaissance as of late Zeus: you do love your rice Zeus: and your faries Zeus: so i guess it all fits Bunny: its true Bunny: my marth game has gotten better Zeus: ok Zeus: >:o NO FEAR!!! Bunny: well im bout to wear the lv 9s out Zeus: enjoy Zeus: >:o YOINK!!!!!!!! Bunny: dave im ready when you are Zeus: lol... i have 2 papers and a prob. set due tom. I REALLY wish i could school you today Bunny: well i leave sunday Bunny: but saturday i serve you Bunny: afternoon to evening Zeus: i leave tomorrow Bunny: ish Bunny: well then you wont have the pleasure Bunny: of marth's white hot love club Zeus: ha!!! Bunny: all over you Zeus: Zeus got the rice fairy crying "you're playing too rough" hit a quick upsmash all you hear is JIGGLYPUUUUUUUFFFFFF Bunny: good thing puff's just a bag of fluff, wait till you see marth, then wwe'll see whos tough Zeus: Shockwaves flashing spasm through your spine, +12 margine of victory blowin' your mind Bunny: prancing around in black, white, and blue, he's coming for you, detective pikachu Zeus: for hatred i recommend the chair, hit the upsmash then juggle you in the air Bunny: upsmash, upsmash, is all i see, i wonder why that could be? you got no diversity, you got no flare. youre just full of luke warm air. Zeus: yoink is a staple, just like ching, just reminding you of all the pain it brings Zeus: you want some more, you doubt the skill, i'll shut your mouth with an electric drill Bunny: havent seen that since smash one, i thought something might have been wrong with your little right thumb Bunny: electric drill bring DREW no thrill, all he wants is that pika kill Zeus: bringin the pain, letting the lightening rain, like a tornado i ravage, son this ain't just a game Zeus: crowd sayin his name, you prayin but it is in vain Bunny: praying is for mortals on the land of sod, i have no need for such things, i am a god Zeus: god though you be, pain you'll still feel, one down smash and you'll need Advil Zeus: cause i get the kill Zeus: and i get the crowd Zeus: here that name "PIKACHU" Zeus: yeah they cheering it loud Bunny: despite the scoreboard's reprimand of the crowd Bunny: a good smash, by a good player, but one smash cannot stop the slayer Zeus: what the scoreboard says now, will quickly change have you forgot about yoinks range Zeus: about the pain Zeus: about the tear Zeus: s Zeus: about that which causes mortal fears Bunny: he comes for you post-haste, with a desire devoid of waste, with only one goal: Bunny: pikachu paste Zeus: never happen, Pika be forever smackin. Zeus: make your cheeks all rosey like ness, mess with Pika you mess with the best Bunny: yellow yogurt, goes down smooth, what's that you say? can't seem to move? Zeus: die like the rest on the altar of zeus, want to reach the stars i'll give you a boost Bunny: stuck in the trance of my divine moves, dont look now but youre about to lose Bunny: but one more thing, son, i am olympus and this war is done Zeus: 3 2 1 oops there is a timely k.o. into overtime we're bout to go... oh no, he flows like a river so quick it makes you quiver, Bunny: peace Zeus: cya Bunny: i like the boost Bunny: lol Bunny: made me laugh real loud Bunny: wanna reach the stars Bunny: nice nice Zeus: you are still quick Bunny: youre quicker and black Bunny: im the opposite of eminem Zeus: true but you hung Bunny: thanks dave, i tried Zeus: you suck-ceded Zeus: j/k Bunny: lol Zeus: you did well Bunny: anyway, post-break smashing should be in order after this convo Bunny: let the puff know Zeus: yea, def. Bunny: the creampuff Zeus: i will Bunny: later homes Zeus: l8ter Bunny signed off at 12:11:43 AM. David at 12:19 AM The F@#$ You! List (V. 2) Pamphlets: I have reached a total of 17. On Washington, D.C.: Famous natives and residents (just in the city, not in the surrounding area)= Edward Albee, playwright; Billie Burke, comedienne; Ina Claire, actress; John Foster Dulles, statesman; Duke Ellington, musician; Jane Greer, actress; Goldie Hawn, actress; Helen Hayes, actress; J. Edgar Hoover, former director of the F.B.I.; William Hurt, actor; Noor al-Hussein, queen of Jordan; Michael Learned, actress; Roger Mudd, newscaster; Eleanor Holmes Norton, government official; Chita Rivera, dancer and actress; Leonard Rose, cellist; John Philip Sousa, composer; Frances Sternhagen, actress. Dave Chapelle, comedian and actor Martin Lawrence, comedian and actor Visit this site The Dihydrogen Monoxide Fact Page look at the "FAQ" and tell me what should be done about this. Let me assure you that all of these facts are verified, and I have even done my own personal research on this stuff to verify it. If you know what it is already DO NOT SPOIL IT FOR THE REST. Now, back by overwhelming popular demand from all regular readers (i.e. Carlos), is the F@#$ you list. Sorry, this will probably be short. I have a lot of work to do and because of some personal strain, I am falling behind. So let's get to it: 10. F@#$ you Mac users. I know that I'm about to isolate a few of you, but I don't give a rat's @$$. I don't care if I isolate all five Mac users in the US. What is the purpose in using a Mac? Sure, the system is more stable. Point for Macs. Sure there are less viruses (that is because there are so few users). That makes 2 points. Anything else? Huh. I'm listening... oh wait, nothing. No games worth playing? Sorry for you! How 'bout a quick game of Counter-Strike? Wolfenstein? Pacman? Nothing. Oh well. Enjoy watching me play them. -1 point for Macs. Using a Mac isolates you from 98% of the Computing world. -1 point for Macs. Hmm. Wait, Wait... Mac is a cool name... +1 so you are back at +1... Fruity pastel colors, one button mouse, stupid web browsing system -1,-1,-1. How about those stupid, trendy Mac stores? -23. That leaves you with a score of -25. Just as a reference point, Monkey pox has a score of -21, SARS -27, Super Bubonic Hyper AIDS -30, and Paris Hilton -500. 11. F@#$ you dumb@$$ spammers. I hate you motherf@#$ers. Get your penis enlarged... No thanks I'm more than endowed in that department. I'm big-boned. I have a redwood in my pants. I am King Dingaling, mighty Wang ruler, I slang that thang. I have to unravel my shit, like a fire hose. It takes twelve days for me to urinate. I am the standard for the meter. Understand? Hi, my name is Sarah, I had a crush on you in high school... I don't think so. I went to an single-sex school. Anyone named Sarah in my high school was a teacher or a faculty member. No thanks. Just not interested. Get your cheap medication... Bitch all the medication I need is weed! That and good ol' Tussin' (thanks Chris Rock). There has to be a way to kill Spammers, and their bipedal cousins pamphleteers, and be exempt from any punishment. 12. F@#$ Viagra, Levitra, etc. If I have a problem getting it up, that means "bitch you're ugly!" Have you ever thought that maybe it isn't a good think for old people to have sex? Think about it. Heart attacks, strokes, high blood pressure, etc. But what can be worse than walking in on your grandparents making hot, passionate, ancient love. Their wrinkled skin moving like flags in a summer breeze. The pungent smell of fossilized semen mixing with the odor of impending death. The groans and moans of the elderly OUTSIDE of the Nursing Home. Too vivid? Well, that is what you get. 13. F@#$ you dumb@$$es who piss in the shower. Either use it before or after. If it is an emergency, I'd rather see your naked dumb ass, streak 1 foot to the stall than to see your urine flowing into the drain, and to smell that hot ammonia in hot water. I wish that I were the emperor of the world. That crime (along with pissing in the pool) would result in immediate loss of genetalia. 14. F@#$ you professors who think that you know everything. In fact F@#$ anybody who thinks that. I tell you what young upper-middle cass Ivy educated white guy from New England, driving your Benz and getting a 4.5 gpa. You think you are pretty smart. Go to SE D.C. or Harlem. Survive there bitch. Your biggest problem is that yesterday you spilled your cappuchino on your Docker's khakis and couldn't find your monographed hankerchief in time to clean it up. Hell don't even go to the ghetto. Go to a "developing" country (developing= poor @$$, disease ridden, war torn, hellhole). Go to Iran wearing an American T-Shirt. So shut your mouth. I wish AIDS on you. 15. F@#$ you jackasses who claim to be atheist, but pray when you are in distress or say God damn or Jesus Christ when you are angry. Shut the F@#$ up. I hope that fire and brimstone rain down on you. I hope that there is plenty of teeth gnashing in your future. I hope that you get stuck in a cell with Martha Stewart. 16. F@#$ you Microsoft. That's right you Billy Gates. Fix your damn software, I'm sick of having to worry about bugs, worms, and viruses. My comp is like a damn bio lab. I guess if you fixed them all then you wouldn't be able to make anymore money off of the "new" products. But you would kill Macs for good, and isn't that all we need? Your product is on over 85% of the computers in the US. Isn't that enough? Because of you Microsoft, a nerd (used for lack of a better term) has become one of the most powerful people in the world and a household name. There are cults that worship you Billy. Do us all a favor and fix those bugs. 17. F@#$ you Cornell Dining. I hate you from two perspectives. First I hate you as a consumer of your disgusting, subpar, sickening, horrid, abysmal, Satanic food. If you can call it that. How is it that from the truck ride from the plantations to the dining hall (AT MOST 10 minutes) all of the fresh vegetables turn to shit? How is it that the "meat" tastes watered down? Why is it that the amount of homeless people and animals in the Ithaca area keeps decreasing, but the amount of meat keeps increasing? I hate you from a working perspective too. But that is unnecessary to reveal. You suck from all angles. 18. F@#$ you European Union. Just try to impose trade sanctions and tariffs on the U.S.A. With this president, France is one number away from becoming the world's largest pothole. We are on an invasion spree. Oh please, please F@#$ with us. We could use the extra resources that we will take from you. Better yet, we will just let Germany do it. After all, if it wasn't for us, it would've happened twice. That's it for today in terms of the F@#$ You! List. I hope it was ok for you. Practically Nonsense: Polls show that 30% of our viewers believe we're better than prison sex!! David at 12:01 PM The F@#$ You! List Ok, ladies and gentlemen, and roughmen too. Today is the first installment of the F@#$ You! List. Your comments are quite welcome in this one. If you have something to add to the F@#$ You! List, please feel free to do so. Leave it in the comments page. I'll update this list about 1/week hopefully. If you would prefer, you could substitute "forget" or "freak" or "screw" for F@#$ and I will quote you in such a manner that the reader would know that you didn't mean F@#$. So without further ado... 1. F@#$ you pamphleteers. I'm already up to 10 and it isn't even the end of winter. I don't want to vote for you. I don't care about your cause. Just leave me the F@#$ alone. I swear if I recieve another one of those F@#$ing pamphlets, I'm going to give you an enima with the business end of a rusty hammer and use a broken bottle as a "Q-tip." I hope I get a papercut. Any F@#$ing reason just to punch one of them. I'll be lauded from here to Mozambique. I'd be given the new Nobel Prize for Anti-Annoyance. So please, just please hand me another one of those F@#$ing things so that I can have justifiable reason to burn, rape, and pillage your town. 2. F@#$ you Cornell University, or any overrated institution that provides you with more debt than education. Education is one of the only industry in which the patron pays to be tortured and bossed (unless you are into that S&M stuff and you've ordered a dominatrix). Basically, I pay money out of the @$$ so that I can worry about impossible prelims (and I know somebody is thinking, if they are impossible, then why worry? The results will be the same right? I worry about the degree of impossibility), endure subzero temperatures, and eat subpar food. Not to mention the Bursar, whose sole purpose is to extract what little money we have. And why do they have a whole department? No it isn't for customer service, which sucks badly, but it is so they not only rape your future fiscal security, they gangbang it. 3. F@#$ you dumb bastards who call me a racist, a sexist, a masochist, a fist or any other negative/descriminatory -ist. I'm totally f@#$ing fed up with dumb motherf@#$ers whose sole source of happiness is that which they gain from their smug, better than thou, stick up the @$$ derision of other people. If you are going to make fun of somebody, make sure that you have all of the definitions. You don't want to call a self-pleasuring bull-dike (i.e. a masturbating lesbian) a masticating thesbian (or a chewing actor). That just makes you seem like a dumb@$$. If you are going to "play the dozens" make it funny. I'm more tired of people making suck jokes not worthy of my response, or any response. Jokes so stupid, that the desire for backhanding is over-ridden by the yearning not to waste energy. 4. F@#$ you government. You are a f@#$ing necessary evil. I'd threaten you, but hell, I don't even want to consider the consequences. I'm just glad that I can (i.e. I have the right) to talk about almost anything that I want. I'm glad that I can say "F@#$ you, government" without (in theory) having to worry about a sniper taking me out tomorrow. I don't agree with the dirrection that the current administration is going, so I chose to express my disapproval now. 5. F@#$ you dumb@$$es that get treated like royalty only to stab the ones who gave you everything. Forget the fact that all of their hearts and soul and finances and AIDS went into proping you up, forget that they sacrificed time and pleasure to serve your dumb @$$. Just go on about your business. Trust me, your time will come. I'm watching. One day, when you are walking your dog/cat/orangutan, I am going to pop out of a maple tree, like a rabbid squirrel, and smack you in the face with my herpes bat (EDITORS NOTE: no sick joke intended there, it just happened to be said incorrectly, but since I don't want to change any posts significantly, I kept that sentence in the blog). 6. F@#$ you dumb n___as that blame the media for the bad impression of Blacks. You dumb motherF@#$ers, it isn't the media all strung out on crack on the corner of Georgia and Peabody, it isn't the media that popped the lock on those cars, it isn't the media that went into Pussy Liquors (an actual store) with a ski mask and a nine mm. In fact, I've never seen Diane Sawyer steal anything, except about an hour of my time. I've never a high-speed police chase involving Dan Rather, a crackpipe, and his Asian ho named Connie Chung. I've never heard Stone Phillips say "That wizzle in Irizzle is off the hizzle my nizzle and five more soldizzle's died when Iraqi militizzles let loose mortizzle firizzle..." (translation: "that war in Iraq is off the heezy, my n!88@ and 5 more soldiers died when Iraqi militants let loose mortar fire..."). 7. F@#$ you rappers who claim to be live in the hood when they can't even see the hood from their 20 story Beverly Hills mansions. Also F@#$ you pastey white, W.A.S.P.Y. dumb@$$es who think that they are part of "hip-hop" culture. I wish I would see your pastey dumb @$$ in Anacostia (Anacostia is a not so glorious place in Washington, D.C.). Hell, I don't even want to go to Anacostia. Try imitating them, and watch your Tommy gear disappear. 8. F@#$ celebrities who think that they are more important than the rest of this world. You guys shouldn't be subjected to the same laws that we are, you should be subjected to worse, stricter laws. The punishment for a Bruce Willis traffic ticket should be castration. Make a F@#$ing example out of them. Courtney Love wants to jay-walk? Death by TNT. Dumb elitist @$$holes. 9. F@#$ you Harvard. Better name. Worse education. Grade inflation. I wish I had enough dynamite. But instead I will just build a scale model of you and burn it in effigy. And the list goes on... more added to the F@#$ you! list next week. David at 11:36 AM Building Rage Two more pamphlets, bringing me up to 5... Luckily I'll be out of town this weekend. Maybe that will cool the blood... Oh, I guess I should say something of some value: Here is a joke, you've probably heard it before, but since it is campaign time: What Is Politics? Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question? Father: Sure, son. What's the question? Son: What is politics? Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “the President.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Congress.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son? Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it. That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is. Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words? Son: Well, dad, while the President is screwing the Working Class, Congress is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit. Here is something else: Things Found Only in America 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. Dubya Quotes: "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George W. Bush "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." ...Governor George W. Bush "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." ...Governor George W. Bush "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." ...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94 "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95 "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change." ...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98 "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." ...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93 "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." ...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96 "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." ...Governor George W. Bush "The future will be better tomorrow." ...Governor George W. Bush "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." ...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97 "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." ...Governor George W. Bush "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." ...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93 "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." ...Governor George W. Bush "Public speaking is very easy." ...Governor George W. Bush to reporters "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." ...Governor George W. Bush "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." ...Governor George W. Bush "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." ...George W. Bush "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." ...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96 "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." ...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97 "For NASA, space is still a high priority." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93 "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." ...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95 "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make." ...Governor George W. Bush "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." ...Governor George W. Bush "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." ...Governor George W. Bush "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." ...Governor George W. Bush State Slogans: Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: Without Atlanta we're Alabama Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Seven Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney... North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States! Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: A Whole 'Nother Country! Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese Wyoming: Wynot? David at 8:19 AM Oded Very seldomly do I decide to write about someone personally or to use the "dear diary" format of talking about what happened today, but I am going to do it today. Why? Because some french canadian Bitch (note which words have been capitalized) named Oded decided that it was his place to remind me that I was 2 minutes late. Now I admit to not knowing much about the nuances of many cultures, but in my limited knowledge of stereotypes (which are usually founded in some truth) French = smug and Canadian = dumb. This guy fits both stereotypes. He also smells like decaying fecal matter and garlic/onion stew, something that I have been told is a common smell in the Parisian subway. And it isn't just his B.O. that smells that way, it's also his breath. It's like he brushes with butt plugs. My problem isn't that he said it. The problem is why he said it. My lateness did not interupt the class, because they had not started yet. My lateness doesn't affect his grade or his concentration on Spanish. My lateness affected him in no way at all. So I have come to some conclusions, either he feels that he is in some position of authority over me (which he is clearly not seeing that he is not a teacher of any kind), or he has some insecurity which causes him to need to say petty shit like that. My guess is that it is the latter. He does, in fact, have a lot to be insecure about. First, it is pretty sad to be balding at the age of 23. At the rate that he is going, he will need a "Homer Simpson" style comb over by next year. In addition, he is terribly scrawny, like Olive Oyle (Popeye's girlfriend) on the Atkins Diet. He is probably incredibly weak and feeble, like Mister Burns after what little muscle he has left has atrophied. His mind is weaker than his body. But the worse thing about him has to be that he is French Canadian. That is like a double dose of uber-suck. It's like getting seconds at Hell's buffet. So instead of elbowing him and breaking his fragile nose or letting loose a random barb about his lack of adequation, I let it go because I pity him beyond belief. He could never live up to any amount of greatness. He is not even fortunate enough to be Canadian or French, but is a bastard hybrid of the two, recieving none of the positives but only the stereotypical negatives. Way to represent your people. You've done your parents proud. On a totally unrelated note, I recieved 3 pamphlets today. And so the onslaught begins... David at 9:18 PM Poetry Welcome, once again, to Practically Nonsense, where we bring the pain. Yes that pain. The pain only associated with a combination of hyena bites and salt and Joan Rivers. Just in case you didn't see the Oscars here is a summary. "And the Winner is... Lord of the Rings: Return of the King In the meantime, I know that you all have been pining for my blog like a crackhead pines for the pipe. So for all you PNon-junkies, I decided to take a little time out to discuss with you an important subject: poetry. Before I do that, look at this, Wegman's has gone international. Says the Washington Post: "The Rochester, N.Y.-based grocery store chain -- known for its upscale products, moderate prices and cheery customer service -- is placing a sizable bet that fast-growing Loudoun County is filled with patrons like the Williamsons. The 130,000-square-foot store -- four times the size of a typical grocery -- is the first Wegmans to open in the Washington area and the 66th nationwide" Upscale!? Ok... I'll leave Wego's alone. Because this isn't even that important. Congrats to Wego's anyhow. Now back to the topic. I know that you are probably thinking that I'm going to down poetry... No I'm not. Nor am I going to uplift it. I'm going to try and explain to some people what poetry actually is. I hope that I will clear up some common misconceptions concerning the art of poetry. That way, when you write that trite garbage that you think of as poetry, you can look at this blog and say. Oh, wait, my "poem" isn't fit enough for me to use it to wipe my ass, let alone to call it a work of art. Then you can trash those false thoughts about you being any good at poetry and you can stop asking people to read your stupid body of literature. So let's get started. How on earth am I qualified to talk to you about poetry? Good question. Because this is my blog. Simple as that. I can post what I want here. But my actual qualifications are as follows. I published my first poem when I was in sixth grade, but I've been writing forever. In high school I had three more poems published. Since high school I've had five more published. My writing instructor at Cornell told me that one of my poems, named The Blues was perfect and that she wouldn't dare change anything about it. That it should be sent for publication immediately. She also said that I should publish two more, as well. I've not gotten around to it yet. Perhaps what makes me best qualified for this is that I was nominated (but turned down) the "amateur poet of the Year" award. I have my little certificate at home, that is all I need. I don't need the silver trophy or the plaque or the $20,000 dollars that I found out (after turning the award ) that I would have received. Either way, I hate writing poetry, but I have to do it because it is one of my few decent nonviolent outlets. I have very few other good skills. 1. Big misconception #1 is that poetry must rhyme. If anybody still has this misconception, please, kill yourself. Now. I'll even buy you your supplies. A rope, a gun, a knife, a whiffle bat, an unedited version of Gigli, however you want to kill yourself. Just because a lot of people did/do it doesn't mean that it has to be done. I still occasionally write rhyming poems, but the overwhelming majority of my decent poetry is non-rhyming poetry. 2. Big misconception #2 is that everybody can write poetry. Hell, F@#$in' no. There ain't no way on God's formerly green, now brownish-red (because of pollution) earth that everybody can do it. Everybody can try to do it. But everybody can't. You think you know about poetry. To quote my high school English teachers first words to his poetry class "you don't know dick about poetry, and I don't know dick about poetry. But somehow, I will attempt to teach... No, not teach, guide you through." This coming from a man who has been writing since before I was born. He is editor of two different poetry magazines. And he doesn't know anything? So how the F@#$ do you think that you can know anything? You can't. I can't. None of us know what is like to be perfect, but we all recognize perfection when we see it. Unless you are a smurf, you don't know how it feels to be (literally) blue. Well you still can recognize blue, you can be taught that. But there's no smurfin' way you can be taught skill. That is just there or it's not. It's innate. I refuse to believe that I can come anywhere near the caliber of Robert Frost or Langston Hughes. But if we all can do it, then that would be true. 3. Big Misconception #3 is that poetry has to have a form. Poetry is fluid. It fits into any container and will take that shape. That does not, however, mean that poetry doesn't have rules: The rule of poetry: Poetry has to sound good. Sound is pretty much all that separates it from other genres of writing. Poetry doesn't necessarily need imagery, similes or metaphors, or anything else. Although all those are nice things to have, poetry only needs to flow. It has to have a natural rhythm. So poetry doesn't even have to make sense. Take the line: Chickens chopping shopping centers buying silk bags or swapping burlap sacks for eggs The sound is what matters the most (I just came up with that line off of the top of my head). Note the use of alliteration (e.g. the "ch" and "s" sounds that are so prevalent in this line, and also the "p", "b", and "g" sounds, to a lesser extent) and assonance (e.g. the similar sounds of the vowels in "eggs" and "bags"). It is nice to add a theme, or if possible two or three, interchanging them and not making the transition too obvious/predictable, but it doesn't necessarily have to be present. Imagery is probably the nicest thing to have in poetry after the sound, but again it isn't necessary. But look at this line: Trees salsa swiftly swaying hips and legs to the strum of wind drums Note the use of personification (the trees obviously can't dance, they don't have the anatomy for it, so giving them hips and legs is personifying them) and the metaphor (an implicit comparison is being made between the trees and dancers), as well as general imagery words. Things like "swaying hips" and "drums" conjure up certain pictures and sounds in one's head. Using the two lines that I made for this blog, and about five more, I will attempt to make a functioning poem out of the mess: Chickens chopping shopping centers buying silk bags or swapping burlap sacks for eggs As trees salsa swiftly swaying hips and legs to the strum of wind drums Let's add a simile (because I personally like similies... get it LIKE. That was an awful awful pun): Chickens chopping shopping centers buying silk bags or swapping burlap sacks for eggs As trees salsa swiftly swaying hips and legs to the strum of wind drums Whistles soft as newborn gosling down traverse the airborne aisles. Let's give it a theme and a unifying statement that can make sense of these ramblings, since this site is called Practically Nonsense, I think that a voice in the midst of insanity might be a good theme for the poem: Sapience whisks to evanescence: Chickens chopping shopping centers buying silk bags or swapping burlap sacks for eggs As trees salsa swiftly swaying hips and legs to the strum of wind drums Whistles soft as newborn gosling down traverse the airborne aisles. Let's finish it off with a few nice sounding lines and a little edit here and there: Sapience whisks to evanescence: Chickens chopping shopping centers buying silk bags or swapping burlap sacks for eggs As trees salsa swiftly swaying hips and legs to the strum of wind drums Warbler whistles of sanity, soft as gosling down, traverse the airborne aisles. Sugar from precious lips fill the head for a flash Sage sentences dissipate Now barren endeavors sunk in dissolution We are now done with this poem, except I will break it up into different line schemes and then give it a title. Although it sucks right now, after many edits, it could become something remotely decent (even though I don't have the time right now to do this): Practically Nonsense Sapience whisks to evanescence: Chickens chopping shopping centers buying silk bags or swapping burlap sacks for eggs As trees salsa swiftly swaying hips and legs to the strum of wind drums Warbler whistles of sanity- soft as gosling down-traverse the airborne aisles. Sugar from precious lips fill the head for a flash Sage sentences dissipate Now barren endeavors sunk in dissolution. David at 11:57 PM What I want for my Birthday Guys (and girls) I want you to take a look at this site:Swords Of Honor I want either the knob sword cane or the war hammer sword cane. You can also go to Mantis Swords. Any of the sword canes there will do. By The Sword also carries canes. But you can also go to SelfDefenseProducts. Again look at the canes. Go to Cane Swords for a list of more sites with cane swords (also check out the pen knives). David at 4:19 AM Defender of the Blog Bunny, don't keep us waiting too long. I think I speak for all of us when I say that I'm very anxious to read your gay blog. Carlos | Homepage | 02.24.04 - 11:50 pm | # -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday, I was rereading Carlos' blog, when I saw a comment that he made concerning Drew's blog. I promised Drew that I would defend his blog, but only if he got a commenting system (which he hasn't done, but I'm going to defend it anyway). If you want to know how I feel about Andrew's blog, read my anti-blog blog then read Drew's blogs and see if he matches the criteria for the release of my hate. I don't think he does. I think that occasionally he has something meaningful/original to say. So for someone to call Drew's blog "gay" when there aren't any real signs of homosexuality involved (nor is it a particularly happy blog), is plain stupid. It is. Just immature and stupid. Carlos, you were the one who suggested that we all blog, but then you put him down for his style of blogging. You knew how he was way before you suggested that he blog. Now you want to call it gay? If you know how he acts, what makes you think he'd be any different than when he writes. One could even go so far as to say that usually writings are usually more extreme than the author, at least in our age bracket. So you should have expected those traits to be amplified. You asked for him to blog, you got it. I hope that you are happy. Now he may not ever blog again. You never know. You may think what you want, but you definately wasn't speaking for me. Don't bitch about the lemonade, if you picked and mixed all the ingredients. Mr. Sadowski: I hope this was adequate. David at 12:21 PM The Special Someone Blog Making about as much sense as a G.W. Bush tax plan, it's the single most popular blog amongst Canadian white supremist musical prodigies on tour in Africa, Practically Nonsense. Again I apologize for abusing your eyes with those pictures (oh and in case you are wondering, they are all women). But the reason that I did it was to punish Carlos. That and to show you that no matter how ugly one is, there is always SOMEONE out there willing to sleep with/marry them. Both Luna and Nichole are married and Chyna has had at least one true b/f that I can think of. So there is hope for even the most hideous of beasts. Oh and their husbands/boyfriends must be faithful, lest they get their asses handed to them. So, now onto a related topic: In all of my life I have very rarely found that perfect person, it is indeed impossible. It is errors that make us human, whether they be physical or mental or emotional or anything else that ends in -al. Yet if there were ever a time to think about the perfect person, for me it would be now. So here is my list (it is a running list, so you may hear more about it in the future): 1. The perfect human has to be female. Why? Because they smell good (usually and when they don't... damn. I mean women are extreme when it comes to scents. They either smell like fresh cut daisies in a soft summer breeze in the countryside OR fresh shit in the sun at a fish market). And, as much as it pains me to say it, they are somewhat smarter than us guys. But that aside there are still at least 100 other reasons, the primary reason is because I'm straight. 2. The perfect human has to be smart. Both intelligent and street savvy. I don't want a dumb woman. Jessica Simpson is as beautiful as Ithaca is gray, but she is as dumb as Ithaca is cold. Not ordering Buffalo wings because "[you] don't eat buffalo" or asking if "Chicken of the Sea Tuna" is chicken or tuna is a bit much. You can be silly without being a total moron. As a key chain once informed me "Everybody has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing said right." 3. Athletic, for many reasons (just think about the possibilities). She doesn't have to be uber-thin. I don't want to hug a stick. It you look like you've just survived a famine... uh eat biatch! But I am not partial to whales either. I'm sick of telling women that they aren't fat. Usually if a girl asks if an outfit makes her look fat say "In all the right places." Next time I'm just going to stare at her @$$ and then say "Damn..." and accompany that with a look as if I were sniffing a fart, seeing Luna, Chyna, and Nichole Bass make out with eachother, hearing Joan Rivers talk, touching the sharp end of a porcupine, and eating a lemon simultaneously. I do like a proportional girl. She's got to have a nice butt :). When I say athletic though, realize that I don't want to feel like I am holding a man. I like my women soft and smooth, but fit. I don't want to have to worry about her dropping dead when I see her eating chicken, but I don't want to feel like I'm laying on bone. While we are on the subject of bodies: Women, you don't need plastic surgery. Trust me. There is a guy out there that likes you. 4. The eyes have to be beautiful. If you have beautiful eyes, you are blessed. Beautiful eyes are tools by which you can manipulate anything. For example, you want one million dollars... I'm no millionaire but if you got good enough eyes, and you give me the puppy dog look (not a rabid one-eyed, half-eared, bow-legged doberman, but a spaniel) then it is VERY hard to say no. 5. Kindness is key. I don't want a facist dictator for a girlfriend. That doesn't mean that you have to be nice all the time. It just means I don't want to see your name associated with the conquering of continental Europe (save France. You get an extra point if you invade France). I'll also put loving and caring all in this pile. I don't want to spend too much time talking about emotional stuff. I am a guy... wait, let me check... yep still there. 6. A sense of humor. Correction, a good sense of humor. I want a girl that can make me laugh. One that can recognize what is funny and what isn't. She's got to "have jokes." Like I say "if jokes, then friends." She has to be able to take a joke. I'm not saying that I want to pie her or squirt ink on her favorite white blouse. What I am saying is that I want to be able to poke fun at her here and there and she can take it standing up. 7. Honesty is always key. No liars. This one is hard. Because women lie all the time. Fake fingernails, weaves, high heels, makeup, GOSSIP. 8. Hair. I love long hair. Long soft, silky, smooth as satin sheets hair. Even nappy hair is ok sometimes. But I don't want to feel like I'm running my hand on someone's knee. It pains me to see short hair sometimes. 9. She has to be fairly attractive in the face. 10. She has to be able to take care of a home. Not saying that I want a g/f or wife just to stay at home all the time and cook/clean. I want someone is is able to do it. The way I see it, with the right amount of money, you can become thin (liposuction), you can become pretty or enhance what God gave you(plastic surgery/make-up), you can get hair (extensions/weave), you can become taller (heels), you can gain beautiful eyes (contacts), you can change almost anything about you. But if you can't cook, I mean really cook, then you've got nothing. You can't really teach cooking. It's something that is inherited. It's genetic. It is on chromosome 19, I think. Taking a basic recipe and making it yours is what I'm talking about. Everybody can make spaghetti. But how many people can get you to orgasm from it? Exactly. Ten points. A perfect 10, or as we Blacks like to refer to them as "dimes" or "dime pieces." This is my standard for a perfect ten. That having been said. I think that I have at least an eight, but more likely a nine, at home. Obviously, nobody is perfect. But Joy is great with all the things that can't be learned. And boy do I love her spaghetti! David at 12:00 PM The Ugly Blog This is the second post today but since I've been changing so much around, I figured that I should update you on what has happened to your precious Practically Nonsense. New things: Check out Cha-Cha Carlos in the "Gay post" Also the Michael Jackson pic has been moved to the "Jesus Juice post." I put up a pic of the Rivers in the post about award shows, and I also put up a pic of Paris Hilton in the post about celebs, A santa gif has also been added to the roster of pics too. Now... please forgive me for the question that I am about to pose to you: Which of these three women will take the crown for most hideous, please vote in the comments page: "ANGELLE (LUNA) VACHON" Pic from owow.com 
"JOANIE (CHYNA) LAURER" Pic from owow.com 
"NICHOLE BASS" from Nicolebass.com 
David at 8:17 PM The Evolution Revolution From the shelves of your local grocer, it is the reground, grade E, past expiration, 100% skunk testicle meat better known as the invincible and utterly satisfying Practically Nonsense. What is too far? And have I passed that mark yet? Please respond. In the meantime, please take a gander at this proof of evolution: 
Note the differences in intelligence between the two species. This image was taken from Bush Or Chimp. You may or may not believe in evolution. But I will take a few minutes out of my day to clear up some common misconceptions about evolution. That way, maybe, we can move from the dark age and into the evo-revo or evolution revolution. Oh, by the way, I don't think that Bush is dumb or a moron or anything like that. I just find the fact that he looks like an ape very amusing. Evolution was at one point defined as decent with modification. Now it is defined as the change in allele frequencies over time. To dumb it down for meteorology, Communications, and English majors (notice how I didn't capitalize meteorology, that is because I don't respect any of those majors and I respect meteorology even less. No I am kidding. I respect meteorology more than communications and english. But I thought that I should personally attack Vlo today) that simply says that at time 0 alleles A and a are at a 2:1 ratio. Then at time 170,000,000 those same alleles are at a different ratio. It doesn't matter what other ratio just not 2:1. It is that simple. That is evolution. You CANNOT deny that this happens. Now that evolution is defined let's hack away at two of the common misconceptions about evolution: 1. Humans evolved from apes: NOT TRUE Look at the above picture. You'll learn that Apes evolved from humans (this isn't true either). What is thought to have happened is this: A long time ago an animal, let's call it Species A, was alive. Species A gave birth to several offspring and these offspring (for whatever reason) gave birth to other offspring that were different. Maybe due to environmental stress, maybe due to different mutations Species A diverged into apes and humans. Like Abraham gave birth to TWO sons Ishmael and Isaac, so species A gave rise to humans and apes. We don't say Isaac came from Ishmael, so we shouldn't say that Humans came from monkeys. Darwin, moreover, said very little about humans. He said something to the effect of "maybe this can help us find out about ourselves." He never said anything about us evolving from apes. 2. Evolution is a theory: NOT TRUE. Evolution is a fact. It would be foolish to deny that populations don't change over time. Look at the human population. Do you think that from the beginning of the human race (whether you believe in God or not) that the ratio of Blacks:Whites:Asians:Native Americans:Others:Drew have stayed the same? That would be foolish to believe. There is no way that they have. Bubonic Plague hit Europe harder than Ike hit Tina. Smallpox should be called Suga'bear for what it did to the Native Americans. Africans have AIDS/Malaria/Sleeping Sickness massacring the populace. So their has been no change? You must be out of your damn mind. What is the theory? The theory is the mechanism by which evolution happens. Natural selection is the current favorite. Others argue that God picks and chooses whatever he wants to live and die. Either way, Evolution is a fact. The most common problem with evolution is religious. Trust me. Evolution and religion can be reconciled. No matter what evolution says about the body, no one can argue (at least well) that man is more than just another species. Science can explain the origin of our physical body, but it fails in determining the origin of our mind/soul/spirit. In addition, where did it all come from? You say life came from simpler life and that life came from macromolecules and those macromolecules come from elements which come from atoms which comes from protons/neutrons/electrons which comes from quarks etc. But where did that all come from? No answer? That is where I'd insert God. They say that the Big Bang had been so precise that if anything was off by even a 1% life wouldn't have existed on earth. That is evidence for an intelligent being. Listen if you are going to follow a strict interpretation of the Bible, then maybe you should lay off of the pepporoni and bacon. Because it was wrong to eat pork. Why is it so easy to dismiss God's commands about eating only clean animals but then choose to believe the creation? If you believe the Bible strictly, believe it ALL that way. Sorry if I trampled anyone's beliefs. I hope this was helpful. David at 2:40 PM Quiz/Celebrities Like a overweight, underdressed, Russian, hatless lunch lady with lice and dandruff, disgusting you as you feed it's the one in a million blog: Practically Nonsense! I'm on an F'in roll, I am. I just want to take some time out to say thank you to all of my true friends out there. You are all ok with me. I will call off the hits on most of you. On the good side of things, I am up to whole subscribers. If more of you subscribe then you will receive an email when the blog is officially updated. Then I won't spam you (as much). Some changes to the blog include a new comic ("Rubes") and a new skin for my comments page to match my actual page. Also I am going to try and blog more often. Of course if you just subscribe you don't have to check here everyday. You just check your email and boom! You'll know when I've blogged. I highly recommend that you do it. Even I subscribe to my blog so that I'll know when to check it ;). So subscribe. Now. Also rate my blog. Preferably good ratings, but honesty (bleh) is best. This blog is extremely different. It is simply a test. Post your answers in the comments page. The one that gets the most questions right will be spared when I finally push this red button... TEST ABOUT DAVID 1. What is David's favorite color? 2. What is David's favorite sport to watch and/or to play? 3. What is David's favorite movie? 4. What is David's favorite Kool Aide flavor? 5. What is David's favorite fruit? 6. How many siblings does David have, if any? If he has any what are their names? 7. What is David's favorite number? His second favorite number? 8. What two languages did David take in High School? 9. Who does David consider the four most beautiful celebrities in the world? 10.What is my dog's name? 11.What are my favorite pro teams (from all four major sports)? 12.Why should David spare your life? The answers will be posted in a future blog. Thank you for your cooperation. Wasn't that pretty stupid? Good. I am glad I just wasted your time. But now on to more pressing matters: I really don't know what to blog about. It isn't everyday that everything seems to go well. But more and more my days are getting better and the better my days get, the further I have to fall. My life is all about balance and if something good happens like I get above the mean on a prelim, it is countered by something bad like me loosing my arm in a freak fishhook accident. So I'll just wait for it all to hit the fan. Until then I need something to rile the blood. I am not really angry enough to blog. Wait I got it... PARIS HILTON. That will do. I'm not going to blog about her because I am actually sick of hearing about her and I am sure that you are too. Correct me if I'm wrong guys. In the mean time look at this amusing pic of a polar bear: 
It seems that the bear has been algaefied (new word coined just now) in a similar process as a sloth. You done thinking over the Paris Hilton thing? Good, I was right wasn't I? What is our obsession with her? She is moderately attractive. Wait, let me put it this way she isn't the least bit ugly, but she is far from the most beautiful face on the planet. She looks like she could use a McRib sandwich sometimes. But still... This brings me to a bigger question: Why are we so f@#$ing obsessed with celebrities? They are just ordinary people. Ok, most are very smart. David Duchoveny (I think that is how it is spelled, all you X-file fans can correct me) went to an Ivy. Will Smith turned down a full scholarship to MIT (who on God's earth does that?). But who cares. Who cares what cereal Mel Gibson eats? Who cares how Carrot Top's likes his toilet paper? Who even cares about Carrot Top? Why do we long to be that which we can not be? Why are there Puerto Rican girls who want to be just like Jlo when they are already smarter and better looking? The biggest question: Why is there 30+ shows just for celebrities? What the f@#$ is Celebrity Justice? Is that show even necessary? We hear about the trials of stars in the regular news anyway, and they should be subjected to the same laws and rules that everyone else has to abide. Why is it that Ben Affleck's love life is more important than the war in Iraq? IT'S NOT!!! I don't care. Most people don't. Those shows appeal to Hollywood stalkers. That's right Access Hollywood. Keep showing me places that I can't get into because I haven't been in a movie. Keep showing me the hangout of the stars. I got enough Nitro to go around. You know what? Why not just TNT Hollywood? That would solve a lot of problems. Papparrazi... I'm not surprised to see an angry star punch the hell out of a camera man. I love that stuff. I'd beat the hell out of someone who just randomly takes a picture of me and tries to make money off of it. Papparrazi have there own circle in hell. They will be sodomized with a barbed iron rod over ten feet wide. If they enjoy that sort of thing? Then they will have to listen to Joan Rivers. What about those gay fashion designers (kind of redundant) who call themselves the fashion police/experts? F@#$ them. Wait don't do that. They'll like it. Who the hell are you to say what is hot and what is not? You just arbitrarily pick what looks decent and what doesn't. I know in one magazine they said that Thongs were on the "not" list. Hmmm... I don't know about your penis, but thongs seem to get the blood a flowin'. Maybe you don't have a penis, maybe you are a girl. Well then I understand you not liking thongs. But this list was put out by a guy. To contrast this, Ashton Kutcher was put on the hot list for wearing a trucker cap. Um... yeah. Ashton dresses like trailer trash. No, let me correct myself. He dresses in trailer trash hand-me-downs. So how is he the best dressed of anything? How is Kid Rock fashionable if all he wears is jeans and a wife-beater? While we are on fashion, when did it become acceptable to be clad in pants with holes in them or faded jeans? When I was growing up, that was fuel for jokes. Big time. That meant your dumb ass was poor. Clothes too big equaled hand-me-downs. The only reason why your boxers would be showing is because your broke ass couldn't afford a belt. Now it is the style? Now you see white kids with their boxers showing, sporting a backwards cap, and 'Tims saying "Yo, what's up homie!" My Asian roomate is still stuck on "WHAZZZZUUUUUUP!!!!!" F@#$ that. The fad is over. Let's go back to a time when fashion was actually fashionable. Now anybody can come out with their own clothing line. I should come out with one called "Le Dumbass." Make sure it is French so that it seems erotic, but is really insulting. But back to the main strand... These celebrities have gone too far. They endorse politicians and try to use their influence to get some guy into office. The problem is their is some ignorant bastard out there that is actually going to vote for Al Sharpton just because the actor who played pimp #1 in Blackula said that he would vote for Sharpton. How utterly ridiculous! Why the hell do I care that Ted Dansen (Cheers, Becker, just in case you cared what he has acted in) supports Wesley Clark? I don't care. I don't even care about Ted Dansen. I think that if he died my life wouldn't change. There will be no holiday for Johnny Depps bday or death day. I won't even bat an eye. I'll say "wow" or "that's sad." But I wouldn't even stop if his funeral procession was approaching the same traffic light as I. When it all comes down to it, I just don't care. I don't want to hear another multimillion dollar celebrity complain about the pressures of their lives. You don't like your life, retire. Simple as that. You have enough money. Change your name to Umbique Monzampie Irequina Jones and move to Namibia. Why should I be bombarded with radio waves and risk cancer (EVERYTHING causes cancer) just so you can hear about Nichole Kidman's 5 billion dollar shoes that you can't even afford? F@#$ you. I wish AIDS on you. So I apologize for this blog. It wasn't amusing. I know. I don't care. I am too tired to dance for you right now. I just want to go back to my room and sleep until I OD on it. Until next time. "PARIS HILTON" pic property of FHM 
David at 12:49 PM Ho Plaza, Literally 'Ello poppet. Today marks the beginning of my ever triumphant return to the blog forefront. I gave them a break from my wit and cunning. It is now time for the resurgence of sarcasm. The one, the only, the greatest ever "Practically Nonsense!!" Today's blog will be about prostitution. So let's get right down to it, shall we? The other day, Ho Plaza finally lived up to it's name. I'll explain in a second, but before I do I need to get some of the basic stuff out of the way. I need us all to start from the same point. So forget everything you've ever learned (and if you are a student at Cornell that should take you about 1 second). This blog is the only reality that exists for you. Now that we are all in a state of knownothingness (otherwise known as a professorship at Ithaca College, or as it is affectionately known as to their graduates IK), we can start off with this fundamental truth: David L. Woods, Jr is the master of the universe (not the crappy movie starring Dolph Lundren, but more like a Sith Lord or a Darth Vader). Also realize that my rule is absolute and that the definition of prostitution is as follows: prostitution -n.- (Pra-Sti-Too-Shun) 1. The act or practice of engaging in sex acts for hire. 2. The act or an instance of offering or devoting one's talent to an unworthy use or cause. [Dictionary.com] According to the second definition, anyone at Cornell is a prostitute because we all come here with some talent or another and devote it to this terrible, terrible, terrible, place. But I am not going to rant about Cornell in this one... I don't have the time. So how does this tie in with "Ho Plaza?" The other day (actually around the time of Valentine's Day) I received a pamphlet- wait a minute, I hate pamphlets; this shall be the subject of a future blog. But probably not until Spring, when the pamphleteers are out in large numbers- which advertised for a kissing booth of all the hottest girls (and guys) of Cornell taking place on Ho Plaza. My big question is what are the requirements for hot? How can the hot standard be fairly applied to Cornell? A hot girl at Cornell, isn't that an endangered species (if not extinct)? Hold on let me check... Yup Cornellius puella calida only 5 known left in the wild. Besides those 5 girls, the hottest girls at Cornell are only average (at BEST) compared to most places (of course, if one compares them to the townies...), and I doubt those girls would want to kiss the Cornell guys. We are a homely bunch. So why would I want to kiss some random girl who look like she is mooning me? Why do I want to kiss someone whose teeth look like they are on opposite side of the San Andreas fault after a major earthquake? Why do I want to kiss a brunette whose gums match her hair? I don't!!!! Most people don't. But there are those people at Cornell who are just so ugly that they can't manage to get a kiss like normal people---WITH BOOZE! Just kidding. I hate that shit. But if you are reading this, chances are that you already know that. I also saw a flyer for bidding on a date with some sorority girl. Ok, I don't even want to date a sorostitute. I don't even care that much about them. That Girls Gone Wild... well... ahem, that could be hot, I don't know, never cared to watch it. I got everything I need in Joy. She is not perfect, but neither am I (this is the first and last time that I am going to admit to this so you guys should print and frame it). The biggest problem with the kissing booth doesn't lie in the devaluing of the word "hot," but it is in the fact that one could be kissing the ass of a gay sweating oiled-up Ukrainian wrestling champ. You have no idea where those mouths have been. Some of those mouths could have just been involved in cunnilingus, head, or even analingus. Also there is a huge chance that you would contract some disease. I am not just talking about the flu or a cold. I'm talking about Mononucleosis (Mono as it is more commonly known), Herpes, Human immunodeficiency virus (HIV has been known only to have been transmitted through kissing once, but still...), Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Human papillomavirus (HPV), Gonorrhea, Hepatitis B, Syphilis, Trichomoniasis, Hepatitis C, Cytomegalovirus, Scabies, and pubic lice. All that from a kissing booth, David? Yes!!! Says WebMD: "Exposure to an STD can occur anytime a person has sex or close contact that involves the genitals, the mouth, or the rectum with another person." Any of these diseases can be spread just by sexual contact (i.e. genitalia to genitalia, genitalia to mouth, genitalia to rectum, genitalia to ear, etc.). So why take the risk of being infected with a possibly life-threatening disease just to kiss a mediocre (at best) beauty? Why not just kiss my ass? It's cleaner and sanitized for your comfort. Why not just lick a shoe? Even better, why not get a little wrist affection instead? Save yourself a life time of itching and masturbate. Grab a bottle of Jergens and don't stop until you've emptied the whole thing. Grab a magazine. A playboy, hustler, SI Swimsuit, Maxim, FHM, MAD, anything that turns you on. Just go for it. Don't hold back just because grandma is watching. Trust me, she likes what she sees. You are online now. The internet is an endless chasm of mediocre porn. Just go to your email address, look in your inbox or bulk mail folder and just click one of the links. But only after you are done here. My biggest problem with this is that some of these girls will be the same ones filing for sexual harassment when someone compliments them on their breasts, whistles at their figure, or stares too long at their hair. If you don't want to be objectified, then don't sell yourself. Otherwise, you are no different than a toy or a broom. You are a sexy broom. A broom with breasts and a tight little @$$ and a broom with which I can fulfill my sexual animal urges. But a broom nonetheless. And so sweep, clean, know your damn role toy! I'll handle you any way that I wish and you won't say a damned thing about it. Because you objectified yourself, I'm just carrying on your tradition. It doesn't matter how I treat you. You have no brain. I can buy you at Kay Bee or Toys R Us, second ailse, third shelf from the top. Right next to the video games. Between the Barbies and the Erector Set. Of course, I don't really feel that way about women. I don't own any women. I don't buy them. But it angers me to see that they are selling themselves in any shape. Think of the children, won't somebody please think of the children?! God bless you Cornell; because with the sororities, the alcohol and drugs, the kissing booths, the bidding for dates: if the current rate continues, you will produce some A+ whores. Not in the looks department, but surely they will be able to suck one mean... David at 11:59 PM Black History Here is a great quote: "Hmmm... ranked #5 huh. Well I feel sorry for those ranked #10, they must serve awfully stale gruel... no trays, just served straight to your hands." -Chris of Jansens (one of the pizza guys) when he heard that Cornell Dining is ranked #5 among college/university dining and that Jansens itself was supposedly the best at Cornell. Of course I didn't get on just to tell you a good quote. Anyway, nothing is really bothering me that much except the whole Janet Jackson thing, but I've been discouraged to blog about that. By whom, you say? Who would dare take away a rant that would use the word nipple (hehe) thirty times? Who would prevent the pure joy that would result from said blog? I would, but if you have to kill someone, kill... let's say Andrew. In the meantime I want to talk about being politically correct. Mostly as it refers to race relations. WARNING: This is EXTREMELY sensitive material and I can't stress enough that you shouldn't read this if you are easily offended. If you unable to poke fun at your race, don't worry, I will ;). So now that only the intrepid are with me, let's talk about being pc. First things first, I am black. I am not African-American, I am not caramel, I am not mohagany, or colored. I refer to myself as black. Let me tell you why. Because I don't give a rat's ass about race. I reject the whole notion of race. I don't believe in it at all. Race is pushed around way to much. It has too much importance to everyone. Now I am not anti-heritage, in fact, I am proheritage, but heritage and race are two different things. I would never put down someone's heritage. That having been said, let's move on. I really hate February. Look at the "gay" blog for more info (that would be my second blog). But in case you don't feel like doing your own research: it is cold, it is dreary, it is short, and it is Black History month. Black History is the month when they pause the Seinfeld Marathon to show a little special on Sanford and Son. Black History month is when we finally get to hear something about blacks and what they have been through, here is the itenerary for most schools: First week: Slavery, civil war, civil rights movement, Martin Luther King Jr. Second week: Martin Luther King Jr. Valentines Day Third week: Martin Luther King Jr. Fourth week: Martin Luther King Jr. and other notable blacks (i.e. Michael Jordan) Now I don't mind talking about Dr. King, but I have a problem with him being the answer to EVERY black history month question. Hey does anybody (other than me) know who Crispus Atticus is? How about Langston Hughes? Arthur Ash? Why don't you look them up. It is terrible that Black history is only important for a month, and society just considers this as acceptable. Valentine's Day is considered more important and stores are flooded with pink and red EVERYTHING. But where are the Malcolm X posters? Where is the Thurgood Marshall pics and cards? Blacks get the scraps from the table in a sort of covert racism (like a CIA lynch mob, kinda). But what about the other "races?" Where is the month for the Asian history? or for Latinos/as? The Native Americans don't need a month. There are only four of them left and I have 12 bullets. They are either all dead or being bred out of the population. Or they are on reservations, refer to the first option. Nevertheless, people should know who Sacagewea and why she is on our currency. Everyone should know about Tito Fuentes or even Maria Luisa Mabilangan Haley. But most of you think that I've just made up some of those names... then again, most of you probably think that there are WMD in Iraq (oh snap, oh snap. Hey Bush, I got you man. Hey Los, you want a way to get the government all over this site? Check out these statements: 1. I've always had WMD's (winter medical disasters). 2. The photographers will shoot Bush tomorrow. 3. Cheney is dynamite, the White House staff too. 4. Gigli didn't do well, it was a bomb. 5. Arab). I hate people who make everything about race. There lazy @$$es can't keep a job, "'cause the man holdin' dem down." Naw, |\|!88@, it is your language that is keeping you back. Or maybe it is the smell of Chronic and booze. Oh and it isn't the media potrayal either. The media has never broken into my house. The media has never robbed an ATM. I agree that the media isn't always even in its potrayal (guess what the Blackest show on t.v. is. It's probably COPS), but stop blaming others and pick up the slack yourself. If you have to be better just to get the job, then be better. I am proud to be who I am, but regardless of race, I am still me. There would be some slight change, but I am still David. Just as surely as you would still be stupid. I would like to think that I'd be just as humorous and dumb, just as sensitive and nice, and just as beautiful as... well... I hope I'd look a lot better. So here is the reason that I don't subscribe to race. Because genetics and anthropology has determined that we all came from one person. Don't believe in science? Well Christian Creationism agrees with that. Whether you are a slanty-eyed cat-eating chinaman, a lazy ghetto weed-smoking negro, a rain-dancing scalping Injun, a strawberry-picking lawn-mowing taco pusher, or a pale pasty euro-trailer trash redneck hillbilly cracker or a mixture of any, you all have at least two things in common. One is the DNA in your body. The second is that you all now hate me for this blog. But, hey calm down, have a sense of humor. This is just practically nonsense. David at 2:02 AM Shopping For the Common Man Greetings and salutations from Hell, today's weather forecast 1,000,000,000 degrees Fahrenheit, sunny, with a chance of brimstone! Ok, as you can probably tell I put some pics from the Parking Lot is Full webpage on the right to fill up some empty space (please don't sue, please don't sue). The first pic is from the Non-sequitur comic strip. Also, I bumped up the font from 8pt to 12pt for the vision impaired. It will make my posts look longer, but hey, you don't have a life anyway so you won't complain. Thanks for your comments. It was because of Carlos that I went to this layout, but that is fine. The last post was my 15th. That means in blog years I'm still an infant, I'm way behind. I'm like that kid in your highschool who came by himself on a different bus, the little white one with seatbelts and padded floors. The one where the driver had an attendant armed with a billy club and riot gear. Now that most business is done, it's time for some blogging and it will be fun...gus. Hello, my adoring public. It's been a while, no? It's a shame, I've got nothing to say really. Later this month, I plan on talking about race relations. Yay Black history month (this is sarcastic, for those who don't know me)! Also, 'Los I like the idea that you suggested, but this one isn't that one. That one is on my to do list. Today I'd like to converse with you about the mall. No, this isn't a recap of the Santa fiasco. I am going to type about the mall experience. What is a mall? There was once a time when malls were a big thing. Now in the age of internet shopping and divx movies, there is no reason to really go to the mall. So why do they still build them (and even more, why do I care enough to blog about this?)? Because people like the mall. For youth, it is a hangout, a place to get away from the stench of the elderly and imminent death that emanates from their increasingly old parents, who "just don't understand." For parents its a place to find way outdated clothes with which to embarrass your children on their first day of school to ensure that they have no personal lives and avoid hanging out at the mall. To women, a mall can be heaven. They will go for ANY reason. A shopping spree to ease depression and a shopping spree to celebrate are both common. A shopping spree is emotional penicillin for a woman. For a man, shopping is hell. A study on men at malls was conducted in England about 2 years ago, it shows that a man's blood pressure rises dramatically, sometimes even doubles, while he is shopping. While the woman needs NO reason to justify a day at the mall, the man has two big reasons why he would be there: (1) the man needs something and/or (2) all of the women are there. For the purpose of brevity, all gay men shall be considered as non-reproductive, very unattractive women. I have neither the time nor the inclination to deal with them as a separate being. So what do I think about the mall? I know you are asking that, otherwise you wouldn't have made it to this point in the blog. I would best liken the mall to a twenty year old Vegas whore with syphilis. Oh yeah, it's pretty, it's attractive, and it's promising; however it is also overrated, too expensive, and a death-hole. A mall is like AIDS in edifice form. A mall is supposed to be where you can make one stop and get everything that you need. But can anyone say "WALMART?" How about COSTCO or TARGET or SAM'S CLUB or even the lesser cared about K-MART. You could literally live out of WALMART. Pitch a tent, eat the snacks and canned goods, play the games as entertainment, the only thing that you wouldn't be able to do is mate (unless you go to the "Pimp 'N' Ho's" section, aisle number 78, behind the bleach), but why would you want to mate with another person found at WALMART? Let me break it down for you: The mall experience: 1. The family (of 4) pulls up into the parking space as far away from the mall as most orbiting satellites are from their gravitational source. They would've been better off just walking from their home instead of waiting in traffic. 2. The "plan" or "itinerary" is handed out, usually verbally, but sometimes for you OCD people who have to do things three times, for you OCD people who have to do things three times, for you OCD people who have to do things three times, it is written. The time and place to meet is set. 3. The family splits up: (a) Dad finds three shirts and two pairs of pants, buys them, and goes back to car to listen to whatever sport is on. From his years of experience he rather be in the car than be in the mall. The whole ordeal took Dad 5-10 minutes at the most. (b) Mom goes straight for the shoes, she buys 90 items in one store. Already she is passed meeting time, and she is upset because she didn't get a chance to see all of the stores. Oh well mom, there is always next weekend. (c) Brother goes to the video game store sees everything that he can't afford and that his parents won't buy. He plays the games at the store, but the manager of the store shuts them down prematurely. He will then take his frustrations out on the next poor sap that challenges him in Marvel vs. Capcom MMIV at the arcade. He may also visit the shoe store to see the newest style that their friends will be wearin', while he inherits Dad's old dancing clogs. Back to the arcade for you young man. He will be ready to leave in about a hour and a half (d) Sister may tag along with Mom, but she might go off with some friends. She'll get the shoes that she wants and the games (if applicable) that will be played on Brother's game system. She'll get everything that she asks for. This will take her some time, but she will only be about 5 minutes late. 4. All are at the Food court (although you can argue on whether or not it should be considered food) except for mom. Dad orders for mom, mom arrives 30 minutes later. 5. They are all set to leave when mom sees a sweater that is "perfect" for Brother. Brother is nagged into trying on the pink and yellow carnation flower sweater. She will do this to him at least 5 more times before he leaves. Giving him the necessary equipment to assure that he will be beaten rituallistically by his high school peers. 6. They depart. Happiness is as follows: Dad= indifferent and/or depressed, Brother= depressed and silent. Mom and Sister=extremely happy. Let me say, the next time I get sprayed by the "newest Ralph Lauren fragrance" I will take that cologne and make sure that the "spritzer" is "zestfully clean" understand? They're gas will smell like Passion for men for weeks. Also, I personally hate trying things on. I know my size, I can return it if it doesn't fit or I don't like it. So why the hell do I have to try it on then? I don't, but for some reason women seem to think that it is a necessity. And when did trying on underwear at the mall become acceptable? It's not sanitary. Who wants to try on big Ted's reject thongs? Who wants to wear Osciris's pubic hair? Let's not even discuss disease. Have you noticed that there are NO windows in most malls? Do you know why that is? It is so that you have no external stimulus other than the mall. No sun, no cumulus clouds, no beautiful animals to stare at or even shoot. You can't see a beautiful car. You must have all your attention focused on the mall. Only the mall. Nothing else. I wonder if this method is useful for kids with ADD (no, not "add" you jackass, A.D.D. Attention Deficit Disorder, hey listen... pay attention). Anyway, it generally works. But it is a shame that it has to be that way. What does it say about today's trends and toys if one has to buy them in a darkened building with no external distractions? Why do they put the clothes on little manikins with "perfect" bodies (which I don't buy, there isn't anything attractive, at least to me, in any woman being that thin. She wouldn't be able to menstruate and that isn't normal. Give me a beautiful full @$$ over a pancake any day. I want your stomach to feel like a pillow, firm but soft. I don't want to feel like I'm laying on a rough jailhouse trick named Jeb, although Jeb was gentle... I don't want you to strive to be like Somalians. We are blessed enough to live in the U.S.A. So eat you dumbass. If you are fortunate enough to afford a steak, bite the hell out of it. Consume that motherf@#$er! Go ahead and have that gravy! We got the best damn doctors in the world. They can almost bring you back to life. So why let your 3rd heart attack get in the way of your Macky Dees? Of all the ways I want to go out, food has to be second. Sex, of course, wins big.). I'd like to see these same fashions outside on a rack. See how appealing they are then. The whole manikin idea bothers me. You aren't even close to that size. Nobody is. There is no point, not even during embryonic development, that you were ever that small. And while you are busy looking at that size 2 manikin, you forget that your size 17 @$$ will look ridiculous in that spandex, forcing me to see you and eventually hurting your feelings because someone made fun of you. Off the topic, why do women wear pants with words on them. But if you stare at the words, you are wrong. It's almost always a lose-lose situation. They are either beasts of women, hideous by even Ukranian standards. They have huge @$$es and you have to scan about 4 ft to read the whole word. Or they can look really good, but be offended when you gaze too long. Or the worse ones... the false advertisement ones, like saying "booty-licious" on their pants but God knows there is nothing there. Not even a thimbleful. All clothes aren't meant for you, so stop trying. But back to the mall. The mall is almost as useless as the mail service (between the internet, special couriers, and the telephone, everything that one used to use the old lick and stick method to do is covered). What is worse than that is the disparity between malls. All malls suck, but "Black" malls... they are just uncontrollably laughably terrible. They don't even have the physical appeal. They look just like slums. There is graffiti everywhere. Cannibis is all over the airways. You don't want to buy anything because the walk to the car will likely result in a mugging. And if you do escape the thugs, your car might not even be there anymore. From the time you walk through the metal detectors, you know that the experience will be bad. The bathrooms or outhouses/portapotties, depending on how ghetto the place is, smell like ancient $|-|!+, like fossilized feces. The place is just pungent with it. The stores are all ghetto stores with "no return" policies. This is in contrast to the "white" malls, which have valet parking and hot towels and massaging leather recliners and a smiling salesperson. But let me take my black @$$ in there and I'd have security all over me. They'd be like, "can I help you with that sir?" And I'll say "no, I'm just looking, thanks" and then they will stay and watch me anyway, thinking I am going to steal something. I will, but the salesman won't see it. This is in contrast to a Black mall, they don't care if you steal the clothes, they got it from your house three days before anyway. In my opinion, all malls should be destroyed using the thick skulls of their regular patrons (who go there even without the intention of buying... WTF is window shopping. I can sit at home and watch the f@#$ing commercials if I want to see what I don't have.). In their stead one can build housing or hospitals or schools. There is a solution. David at 12:51 PM Eat, Drink, Lie Naked in a puddle of your own vomit Ok. Ok. Now this is just great! Carlos and I are on one accord. To see what I'm talking about look at the last post about why Cornell sucks, then look at what Carlos added. Before I even read his comment, I was going to either write about the Mean Dean who was suprisingly nice and is trying to get me to remain premed. The M.D.'s good mood can be explained by the fact that an assistant was about to order chicken wings for the office. And I don't care what ANYONE says. Chicken wings can put happiness into any Black person. Hell, I've seen chicken wings smack PMS out of the bitchiest of women. I've seen wings quell gang wars. You could've stopped the L.A. riots if you had a bucket of extra-crispy. Look at it this way, Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits can be put in the middle of Hickville, USA, and Blacks will be standing in line to get in. If a Klu Klux Klan lynch mob offered chicken, Blacks would be extinct. But that is beside the pointl. My other option to blog about was alcohol consuption (which relates to what Carlos said about vomit being spewed all over the bathroom floor, oh and, Carlos, the why I hate Cornell list is a running list, just think about it: I would have to stop doing this blog if I ever ran out of things to write about, but Cornell is like beans for a bloated and flatulant pig). The jokes stop here. The background: My inspiration for this post was actually found in the bathroom of Cascadilla Hall. It wasn't vomit. It was a person, sleeping on the bathroom floor in a stall with a locked door. His feet were protruding from one stall into the next and he was snoring obnoxiously. Normally, I would allow this fiasco to continue, but he was on his back and if he would vomit in his sleep... well, he'd choke and die. It was late, so I didn't want to wake an R.A. I had backup, just in case he got beligerant and we had to take him out. So with a little inginuity, requiring a plunger and a toilet seat, I unlocked the door. After slapping him about 12 times he awoke and went to his room. My reaction: Please note that today is Thursday. That being said, WHO THE HELL GETS WASTED ON A WEDNESDAY? Oh, and I definately know that he isn't 21, but that isn't the point. I could almost understand getting drunk on almost any day except Wednesday. Monday and Tuesday could be weekend spillover. Thursday could be early weekend, but Wednesday? Oh he is definately going to be a raging alcoholic. His wife be measuring his ring size with her face. The problem that I have is that people drink to get drunk. They say "it loosens you up." Let me quell any misconceptions now. Clinical research shows that it isn't the alcohol itself that does it. An experiment was done with people who were told that they would not be drinking alcohol, but were given an alcoholic drink. They were reserved and tense. They didn't talk much, they were normal. The same group later was later told that they would be drinking alcohol and were given a non-alcoholic beverage that smelled and tasted like it contained alcohol. They acted drunk, they were laid back and talkative, some were angry and violent. They thought that they consumed alcohol. given alcohol and told that it wasn't alcoholic. The results are obvious, thinking that you are drinking actually does more to loosen you up than actually drinking. What alcohol does is inhibit your brain. People do some DUMB-ASS SHIT when they are drunk. Things that hurt and they can never take back. They never listen to the warnings, they think that they are invincible and indestructable, but then they look and feel stupid when it backfires. Alcohol has ruined my life, and I haven't even drank any. Nobody cares to think about what it is doing to their families, their friends, or to themselves. They don't realize what a danger it is to be young and uninhibited. You have a brain for a reason, that is, to reason. The only thing that separates us from the rest of the animals is our ability to reason. Why would one want to give up that gift? Why would one regress hundreds of thousands of years, intellectually? Alcohol can have good effects, like red wine being good for your heart. Red wine has the good cholesterol (I don't feel like explaining the whole cholesterol thing). But you can get that from other sources as well. It isn't necessary to drink. Occasionally, it is ok to consume a tiny bit of alcohol. I plan on drinking a little every now and again. But to go on binges is just stupid. I FUCKING HATE THAT SHIT!!! So if I see one more "vomit trail," hear someone saying "I got so wasted," or even fucking smell that shit on you, I might just pull back my hand and beat you like you are an unwanted red-headed orphan. Please, oh please breathe your alcohol breath on me. Please be soaked with alcohol. I'll fucking light a match and set your dumb ass ablaze. Then I'll send your ass to a butcher and have you served at the next frat party. "Hey Ted, didn't you want your bitch well done?" Humans can no longer regulate themselves. I'm all for democracy and equality, but do you honestly think that you drunk dumbasses should have the right to vote? You probably said "yes" if you can get it out. Dance, rummy dance! (Moe to Homer, both of Simpson's noteriety). Why should my future be put in the hands of someone who doesn't even care about their own? What kind of twisted, nonsensical, subpar, inept, abyssmal, inadequate, abominable (thanks Apuff), and down-right idiotic system is that? There has to be some overlord. Someone has to come to earth and enslave us all. This shit angers me. I want to go into a bar with a colt carbine or an MP5 Navy or even an AK-47 and just unload about 30 bullets into each idiot there who orders more than one. Kill yourselves and spare me the time and effort. To all you drunk drivers: FUCK YOU!!! To those who beat their families: Come try that shit on me. I'll leave you with two black eyes, a broken nose and jaw, and a big "NIKE" print on your forehead. You'll be eating through a straw through a hole in your neck. I'll have you all hooked up. Hooked up to an oxygen machine, to an IV drip, to life support. Bring it bitch! I'll Sammy Sosa your ass. You think I'm joking, fuck with me again. I've lost tons of respect for those people who drink like that. TONS. I've lost family members due to alcohol poisoning. I've lost friends due to alcohol. I know what it is to see someone do something stupid when drunk and be directly affected. So fuck you! Fuck your alcohol! Hell, now I need a drink. David at 11:36 AM |
